Well, I’ve done reviews like this before but this is the first time I’ve done one with an actual name for the reviews. And yes, there will be more on the way in the future. But for today, I look at Jugement Day 2003, a duel branded WWE PPV that took place on May 18, 2003 in the Charolette Coliseum in Charlotte, North Carolina.
And this duel branded hunk of shit begins.
I’m reminded that I loved using this arena in Here Comes the Pain.
Michael Cole has very unfortunate facial hair tonight.
Tazz has already said “rocketbuster” once.
BAH GOD STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD.
Austin informs us that there’s some “bad ass matches” tonight. Take the “ass” out of it.
Stone Cold will be watching the show from a skybox. Because of America or something.
He then randomly gives Tazz an beer then pours another one onto the Spanish Announce Table.
WORD LIFE THIS IS BASIC REAGANOMICS hits which means Jeyawn Cena is coming to the ring to spit a rhyme.
Cena implies in his rap that his tag partners for tonight love pasta and killing people.
Palumbo has what looks like a condom wrapper in his mouth. I can’t make this up.
It looks like Cena is teaming with two Batistas at the moment.
Hot tag to Benoit! He’s a house of dead family members
Kiss of death leg drop to a bloodied Kendrick gives the FBI the win.
Next, we go to Austin in his skybox getting a hot-dog.
Bischoff waltzes in and wants 50/50 of everything since he’s the co GM.
They then discuss germs on aluminum cans. On PPV.
Next is Test and Scott Steiner vs La Resistance. Can we go back to the skybox please?
Berets everywhere as Dupree and Grenier come out.
I mark out as I notice the best ref ever, Nick Patrick is officiating the contest.
La Resistance cut a face promo about bigotry while they are heels. Since that makes sense.
Steiner and Test get a mash up as they come out Stacy Keibler.
Great, now we’ll hear King being an annoying perv for what will hopefully be a short amount of time.
A fan that looks like Uncle Leo from Seinfeld with progeria is waving an American flag in the front row.
Steiner and Test come out with Stacy Keibler and a mash-up that would rival the Allied Power’s theme.
Nice to see Steiner choose a man that set the American flag on fire not even a year ago to be his partner tonight.
French tickler dance is followed by a bitch slap from Test.
Heh number one for this match.
Big Poppa Pump no sells a knee to the back.
Steiner has the mobility of a frozen Stretch Armstrong.
King says more creepy stuff about Stacy.
You know, Test at this point in time is probably more mobile than Steiner.
And Test is wearing a beret for some reason.
Second heh in this match.
Stacy is knocked into Steiner. I smell a sitcom.
Two more hehs from Steiner.
Test accidentaly kicks Steiner’s face off which leads The Resistance to the victory.
Backstage with a very fruity Josh Matthews and Eddie. Fuck I miss him.
Chavo tore a muscle in his arm so Eddie has chosen Tajiri as his partner for tonight. Fuck yes.
So it’s Eddie and Tajiri (Two of my favorite guys ever.) against Haas and Benjamin in a Ladder Match. Yeah, I’m gonna sit back and enjoy this one.
Really cool spot goes down where Tajiri back-spring elbows the ladder and knocks Bricardi and Cola off.
Shelton powerslams Eddie into a propped up ladder. Ouchie.
WGTT hit Tajiri with their un-named finisher while he was laying on the ladder.
This match makes me want to play Here Comes the Pain.
Well, back to the skybox. Bischoff is now working on a hamburger and another beer. He lets us all know that he’s getting drunk.
Austin then shows us how to drink a beer right. On PPV.
We the get an add for a Diva jerk off DVD.
And of course Lawler talks about it.
A promo on the returning IC title is played.
I just spotted a dead-on Bubba Ray Dudley look-alike in the crowd.
Pat Patterson comes out to Fabulous Moolah’s theme for some reason. Anyways he’ll be presenting the title to the winner.
The participants in the match are Val Venis… wait what?
Cheif Morley was recently fired by Bischoff, so Austin re-signed The Big Valbowski.
BREAK THE WALLS DOWNNNNN! Jericho’s my G.O.A.T so I’ll at least somewhat enjoy this.
Out next is Goldust. So far, so good in this match. Plus we get a Savio Vega name drop out of it.
Lance Storm is out next to no response.
RVD gets the complete opposite of Storm’s reaction.
CHRISTIAN CHRISTIAN AT LAAAAST hits and we get this weird in between Captain Charisma yet mesh shirtless era of him.
Great, we get Test again.
Kane’s out next. He was the last IC Champ before it was retired by Triple H. Sup Katie Vick.
Booker T is the final entrant in the match and is the only person who has never won the IC title in the match.
Lance Storm is the first to be eliminated by Kane.
It takes seven people, but Kane’s out next. That doesn’t stop him from going back in and chokeslamming everyone though.
Booker throws Test and Goldust dumps Venis out.
Springboard dropkick from Jericho eliminates RVD.
Jericho lets us know that he is “The King of the World”. God damn right.
It’s down to Goldust, Jericho, Christian and Booker.
Goldy hits double Shattered Dreams. Booker celebrates the nutshots with a spinaroonie like any man would.
Book then eliminates Goldust, but the two laugh about it.
I swear to God, it sounded like Lawler said “The great thing about WWE is the white prevails”.
Jericho’s nose is split open. But that doesn’t stop him from letting us know he’s “The King of the World”.
Christian eliminates Jericho as he went for the Lionsault. He then randomly starts tearing the foam off of the barricade.
Booker tells Christian to “Get cho punk ass up”.
Christian then slide dropkicks Chad Patton on the outside on accident. Hmm, I wonder where this is heading.
Booker then eliminates Christian, but the ref is KO’d so he doesn’t see the elimination.
Really stupid finish since I’ve never seen a Battle Royal with only one ref on the outside.
Next we see Torrie and Sable backstage discussing their bikini contest with some of the worst acting this side of a skinemax film.
We get a tale of the tape between the two. Both have a 36″ chest. They must have the same doctor.
God, Sable’s voice is annoying.
What I’ve gotten out of this are both of them are major cum dumpsters.
Plus we get 2003 era Cole doing all of the commentary for this.
So we have two blond skanks, Vintage Michael Cole on commentary, and Lillian Garcia. It’s like I’m watching a portal of hell.
Sable strips like a whore. I’ll be honest reader. I’ve been more hard looking at groundhogs in my backyard.
Then Torrie strips like a whore. Again, does nothing for me.
We see Lawler dabbing away sweat at his announce desk. I think
Wait, Torrie’s not done being a whore. She has a smaller bikini underneath.
Sable and Torrie then kiss. Like whores.
We’re in the skybox again and a drunk Bischoff has a piece of pizza in his jacket pocket and he lets us know he has a condom in his wallet.
Austin then hands Eric some pickles. Nice to see he’s a member of the pickle possee.
“Disturbing footage” of Piper attacking Zach Gowen and ripping his leg off.
Piper comes out in one of those “FRATS” shirt that I’ve always wanted.
Out comes Mr. America with a chair.
Now Mr. America… oh fuck it, Hogan then talks about how the chair is for Gowen.
I’ll admit, when I was like eleven or twelve, I was into this angle. But I was on Piper’s side.
Hogan calls his arms “Twenty-Four Inch Patriots”. I didn’t know they had black men in the Revolution.
There’s so many Misters in this match that Tazz and Cole flub a ton.
Hogan then takes his belt off and that’s used for a little bit.
Sleeper’s locked in and the usual third arm hulk up takes place.
WE GET IT, HULK HOGAN IS MR. AMERICA. CUNTS.
Oh, McMahon’s out here now. Piper then low blows Hogan while the ref is distracted.
Tazz lets us know that Hogan was hit “Right to the Star Spangled Banner”. The fuck does that even mean.
O’Haire accidentally hits Piper with a lead pipe and Hogan gets the three.
Gowen was holding down McMahon and preventing him from breaking up the pin while it was going down.
Hogan then poses for like seventeen years.
Stephanie and HHH then have a moment backstage. Get it. Since they’re married.
Up next is Nash vs HHH for the World Title. Shit.
Out first is Shawn Michaels who will be managing Nash tonight.
Nash possibly has the worst titantron ever. It’s his name, then a close-up of him wearing sunglasses again, then his name again.
Ahhhh shit, he has Diesel pyro.
Flair also gets an entrance, since they’re in Charlotte.
Nash then jumps the gun and all four men brawl on the entrance way.
They brawl on the outside some more and I honestly could give a shit. The bell hasn’t even wrung yet.
You know what, I’m going to talk about Trips committing Grand Theft Auto again. He just yanked a guy out of a car, and drove off.
How were the charges dropped. Was the dude a HHH fan or some shit? Did he just say “Durr, it’s The Game, I’ll let him borrow my car to get away from that big meanie Nash”.
Even the commentary team know this is going to suck. Lines like “There won’t be any arm drags or holds in this one
Earl Hebner then pulls on Nash’s hair to get him to open the fists.
Hebner then accidentally gets closelined by HHH.
Trips then nut shots Nash. Everyone is out, including the fans in the arena.
Man, they’re going for every “ref is knocked out spot” here.
JR is excited that he call an actual move. Sure, it was a sidewalk slam, but regardless.
Nash then shoves Hebner again. No DQ yet.
Big Kev then gets a Pedigree but kicks out. Ugh.
Hunter then brings a sledgehammer into the ring and hits Hebner with it. Not only do we have a shit match, but we also have a DQ finish on top.
Still, Nash gives Trips a Jacknife in the ring.
Nash then clobbers refs, Terry Taylor, Tony Garea, and Sgt. Slaughter who were helping Hunter up.
Nash then shoves Shawn on top of it.
Then he puts Hunter through the Raw announce desk. And that hunk of crap is in the books.
Oh, but they have to show the staff helping Hunter until the seasons change.
Nice, a Freddie Blassie book ad.
We’re back in the Austin skybox and Bischoff talks about how they don’t have Jalapenos in Minnesota.
They then talks about the positives of Minnesota. Bischoff then vomits and gets a beer poured on him. The vomit gets three replays.
Oh, Trish is out. Thank god. I guess this is a fatal four way invitational and it is for the Woman’s Championship.
Jacqueline’s out next wearing gear similar to Jade from Mortal Kombat.
Victoria’s out next with the best manager ever, Steven Richards.
Any and all erections are now gone as Jazz walks out with Teddy Long.
Literally, everyone has shiny gear in this match.
What is there to say, that Hunter/Nash shitstorm has drained me. It seems the same has happened to the crowd as well.
Meh, at least we get some Trish ass in this match.
The match ends with a sloppy DDT from Jazz onto Jackie.
Trish sadly has busted her lip open for nothing.
Up next is the main event, Brock Lesnar vs Big Show in a stretcher match.
A replay is shown of Rey getting baseball bat’d into the ring post.
So a giant is fighting a jacked blond dude in a stretcher match. Why does this sound familiar.
The last time there was a stretcher match in the WWE was Killer Khan vs Andre The Giant in 1986.
The first man out is Big Show, who comes out with a stretcher with three names on it. Rey, Benoit and Lesnar.
Welp….here comes the pain!
Lesnar whacks Show with the orange stretcher a few times.
So far, the match hasn’t been that bad. Just some bumps with stretchers.
Brock got goozled according to Tazz.
Lesnar then bounces like a super-ball after a legdrop from Show.
Both men have bumped like crazy in the match. Lot better than I would of expected.
Lesnar stealing a page from the second person on Big Show’s stretcher list by choking Show with some cables.
Lesnar bodyslams Big Show onto the stretcher. What a fucking beast.
Both men are fucking bumping like crazy in this thing. Especially Show.
Lesnar is now going backstage for some reason.
Oh shit, Lesnar’s bringing Rey out.
HOLY SHIT BIG ASS DIVE ONTO SHOW FROM THE FORKLIFT.
F-5 to Show. Lesnar then rolls him onto the forklift and drives it over the yellow line to retain the title.
Besides the ladder match and the stretcher match, this show was a hunk of shit. Really, really boring. Like…..watching slugs cum boring. DO NOT WANT.
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