Deep Hurting Special Collector’s Edition: Ben Pasco watches Women of Wrestling Unleashed.

00:26 Botch

00:28 Zack Sabre Jr. would snap Jane Blonde’s shoulder in half if he saw how shitty her armbars were. All in all this is an ok match. Every match so far has been a sprint, which is really helpful to pay attention. I am realizing that Jane Blonde looks like Kyra Sedgwick. That is not a compliment.

00:29 Tit Dropkick: Revenge of the Areola Borealis!

00:30 Blonde misses the worst dropkick ever and Tanya catches her with a big swing. Tanya wins with a spinning kick that was completely missed on camera. In straight TNA fashion, they immediately cut to the next segment.

00:31 Luckily for us, the next segment is the awkward slow motion swimsuit thing. Lee Marshall is definitely jacking it at commentary while Heenan is making fun of this the entire time.

00:31 “The winner gets 5,000 big ones?  Like she needs more big ones”- Bobby Heenan

00:32 Lee Marshall is talking like a fucking strip club MC right now “Paradise could make you very happy Brain”. To counteract Heenan works in a Wild Samoans reference.  Lee then replies “I bet she’s a wild Samoan” I think Lee Marshall was the Zodiac Killer.

00:33 Next up is the potential MOTYC of “Hammering” Heather Steele vs. Nicky Law. Heather hails from Sweet Home…… Oregon? Quite frankly, Heidi from Home Improvement should really consider suing Steele for gimmick infringement. Nicky Law comes out with her partner, Kristy Order. They are cops, get it?

00:34 This is the cop chicks debut, and she’s beating the fuck out of Steele. I don’t know if this one is Law or Order, so I’m just going to call her Sidney Vicious.

00:36 Awkward Lucha miscommunication spot!

00:37 Sidney Vicious wins in a complete squash. This actually may have been the least shitty match so far because it was a brutal beating. Bobby Heenan would like to inform us that he supports police brutality. Law and order then beat up Heather Steele’s womb with a nightstick.

00:38 Cut backstage to Terri gold and Selena Majors talking in the showers. Selena has the greatest Lady Mullet of all time

00:38 A random black SUV! Is it the distant cousin to the hummer perhaps?

00:38 Bronco Billy is on the phone with someone. It sounds like her family farm is going under?  Curse you Willie Nelson and your fictional Farm-Aid money!

00:39 Boom-Boom (Hawaiian) and Caliente vs. the Asian Invasion is up next. Boom-Boom is throwing leis like all Hawaiians. That must mean she’s forging her birth certificate too (Tea Party, Blam!).  On the other end of the spectrum, Caliente is setting Mexican-Americans back at least fifty years.

00:40 I’ll give you one guess as to what nationality the team of Jade and Lotus are. In a shocking turn of events, Jade knows Martial Arts. Meanwhile, Lotus looks way too much like a young Ava Devine to not confuse me. I don’t care what XPW thinks, don’t mix porn with wrestling.

00:41 As Jade hugs her grandmother, Heenan yells “ITS TOKYO ROSE”. Jade’s grandma definitely has no idea where she is right now.

00:42 This match should be a “Why Other Countries Hate Us” on a pole match.

00:43 Ava Devine hits a nice looking dropkick. That’s racist of me, but Ava Devine will be Lotus Jade will be Lily Thai for rest of this match

00:44 “Worst part of wrestling Jade and Lotus is that an hour later you want to wrestle them again”- Bobby Heenan.

00:45 Wow Lily Thai hits an awesome top rope hurracarana! Not going to lie, but this match is kind of awesome. This is closest will get to an ROH tag match on the show. Of course it’s the Asian broads that are busting out all the cool stuff.

00:46 There’s a pretty awesome spot where Boom-Boom gives a Banzai drop, but Lily Thai Dropkicks her forward causing Boom-Boom to hit her head and momentum roll her back into sunset flip.  I’ve never seen that before.

00:47 Lily Thai gets pinned off a Samoan Drop from Boom-Boom. Seriously though, Ava Devine is a totally bitch for not making the save. I hate when the partner is on the apron and then just apathetically offers no support for their partner. It’s fucking stupid.

00:48 Teri Gold and Selina Majors come out of their meeting. Someone definitely got their box ate.

00:49 Oh here comes The Disciplinarian. The Disciplinarian is a mean, mean, sexy looking woman. In case you can’t figure it out, she’s an evil teacher. I was really hoping it would be Triple H from that Drew Carey Show episode, but my hopes were dashed yet again.

00:49 Bronco Billie comes out waving a lasso.  Her ranch got foreclosed on, and yet she can afford huge fake tits. Hey John Zandig you know what a ranch is worth to me, a set of fake tittttsssss.

00:50 In what can’t be a major surprise; Heenan is getting progressively more offensive on commentary.

00:51 I’m not quite sure how to feel about this match opening. It’s like an Early 2000s Chris Hero match, lots of arm work and hammer locks, except by two broads with fictional breasts.

00:53 Lee Marshall keeps trying to put over Bronco Billie on commentary, but Heenan is just shitting all over her.  Heenan is proved right though, as Bronco then hits the worst bulldog of all time. It made Jackie Gayda’s bulldog look like Rick Steiner’s. At this point I’m disappointed that there haven’t been any “Disciplinarian is taking her to school” comments.

00:54 Disciplinarian with a pedigree! Please tell me this is a Drew Carey Show joke.

00:54 Bronco Billie wins with a rollup. This sucked

00:55 After the match, Disciplinarian takes the microphone and lets Billie know the she’s the one WHO BOUGHT HER RANCH! This is where WOW officially loses me in the logic and reasoning department. I can buy the idea of female police officers, lifeguards, mental patients, and warrior women fighting inside the squared circle. However, I cannot believe that The Disciplinarian could afford to buy a ranch on a teacher’s salary. Come on David McClane, have some respect for your audience.

00:55 Looks like WOW Champion Danger was the one in the car. This Aileen Wuornos looking lady has a killer female mullet.

00:56 It’s time for more swimsuit contest stuff. This time its Lily Thai being blindfolded hanging out on cliffs?  The crowd pops huge for an exposed back shot.  I know the internet had to be around back then, so why don’t these perverts go use that so I feel less like a rapist for watching this.

00:57 We go from Lily Thai to Roxy Powers. Roxy Powers looks like the chick who betrays Van Damme in TimeCop. Racism works.

00:58 Would somebody get Lee Marshall a rag to splooge in already.

00:58 YES IT”S SLAM DUNK. SHE WAS THE BEST CHICK! This show has been saved ladies and gentleman by the awesomeness that is Slam Dunk. Slam Dunk is a giant girl who does a WNBA reject gimmick. Why was she kicked out of the WNBA? For being too fucking badass is why. In another racist moment, she looks like Giant Sharmell.

00:59 Slam Dunk cuts a promo about how she’s a superior undefeated athlete while bobbing her head all over the place. Slam Dunk equals Girl Ghetto Goldberg.

1:00 Looks like her opponent is Roxy Powers.

1:01 I wish Slam Dunk and El Gigante had a baby

1:02 Slam Dunk is pretty awesome. She’s basically just shit-talking the entire match. She tries to nail a top rope leg drop, but misses. The leg drop was beautiful and her vagina must be throbbing.

1:03 Roxy sucks, but Slam Dunk rules.  There’s another ref bump and Slam Dunk goes for pin but the referee can’t see her. Slam Dunk randomly decides to body slam the referee. Ron Artest is a pussy.

1:04 Super Titkick by Roxy to Slam Dunk!

1:04 Referees decide it’s a DQ finish, and the show’s booking is really beginning to concern me. I don’t care if this is good, but I do have like another two hours to go and I’d prefer it not suck.

1:04 Like all women Slam Dunk reacts to her problems in a completely rational manner.  Slam Dunk is choke-slamming referees everywhere.

1:05 Roxy does something to Slam Dunk but it cuts away to the crowd during it. The best part is the camera angle shows about 75 empty chairs. For the first time tonight, whatever happened to Slam Dunk?

1:06 After receiving her finisher thirty seconds ago, all the referees walk to the back without any sense of pain. Miracles work.

1:09 It cuts back to some dumb segment with David McClane and I guess the female owner of the LA Lakers? I don’t understand any of this audio so I’m going to spend this time listing my favorite members of Wild and Crazy Kids. Omar Gooding. That’s it, because everyone else can suck Omar’s dick. Omar Gooding is more of a badass then Omar Little.

1:10 Lana Starr and Patti Pizzazz are still on their way to the venue. This is Spinal Crap

1:10 “Refund” chant.

1:11 HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT HER! Everything I said about Slam Dunk is a lie, because it’s time for the actual best girl in the history of WOW, Riot. Bobby Heenan and I both have huge crushes on Riot right now. Riot takes the microphone, and every dude in the place has a huge boner for this girl. Every creepy dude with a bad haircut is holding up a Riot sign. Also, there’s a shitload of Mexicans.

1:12 I just realized that Riot looks like Punk Rock Blossom.

Dream Weaver has started playing

1:13 This is a female hardcore match, which I’m sure will end well. Riot’s opponent tonight is Wendi Wheels. Wendi makes her way to ringside with a grocery cart full of weapons that appear to have been purchased at a thrift store.

1:14 Riot brutally smacks Wendy’s face in with a serving tray. I’m in love

1:15 Riot’s doing all these absurd Curt Henning style bumps in this match. In a perfect world, she’s married to Glenn Danzig. Woman!

1:16 Wendi Wheels beats down Riot and then tries to talk into the camera. Problem is, the director called for a wide shot so Wendi just looks like an idiot.

1:17 Wait? Riot is from Holstead St in Chicago? I guess that means she was legally obligated to be penetrated by Charles Montgomery Punk. All kidding aside, Riot was actually pretty over.

1:18 HOLY FUCK SHE JUST DID A FUCKING ELBOW THAT IVE NEVER EVEN SEE RICOCHET DO! SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS IM REWINDING THAT! On the review, Riot climbed to the top ripe and then delivered a 540 degree spinning elbow right onto Wendi’s chest. That looked fucking amazing.

1:19   While Riot is killing it with spinning elbows, Wendi Wheels is making me long for the stiff offense of Giant Baba.

1:20 Estrogen Championship Wrestling.

1:21 Riot hit an absurd armbar into a Crossface combination. I want to know what happened to this girl as soon as possible. She’s head and shoulders above any girl that’s been on this show so far.

1:24 Insert jokes about a woman with garbage can here

1:25 A Punk cover of “Natural Born Killaz” should play during Riot matches

1:26 Riot kills Wendy with the Riot bomb for the victory. For the first time all night, Heenan seems like he’s happy to be there. He is gushing on commentary over her and I can’t blame him. Riot made what seemed like a potential disaster into a really fun brawl. Somebody needs to find Riot for me and get her on a podcast or something. She should have done something in wrestling I think.

1:27 We go from the awesomeness of Riot to the awkwardness of the bikini contest. Its Heather Steele and Bronco Billie

1:28 I’m pretty sure this is the stuff they air on Cinemax at three in the morning.

1:29 Whomever thought it wouldn’t be creepy to give Heenan and Lee Marshall live microphones during this is wrong, so very wrong.

1:30 Ava Devine is back in her bikini. All I can think is how much I already miss Riot. Riot or Riot. #IWantRiot. #SupportRiot.

1:31 The bikini videos are still going. During all these Lee Marshall sounds like a midnight DJ trying to fondle an underage girl.

1:33 It looks like shit’s about to get real, as it’s time for the splash match. Jungle SUP GRLLLLLL vs. Becky the Farmer’s Daughter. Apparently there is no I in team or girl.

1:35 Lee Marshall says they both have awesome splashes, but if my memory is correct he is incredibly wrong. I’m pretty sure they both had awful falafel splashes.

1:36 “Who’s the guy in the picture with Becky the…human farmhand or whatever her name is”-Bobby Heenan. ❤

1:37 You can tell she’s a jungle grrlll because she doesn’t have shoes on. You know, her and Riot could have made a great tandem as Riot Grlllls. I’m hip, I’m cool, and I’m forty.

1:38 Jungle grll lands a splash off the top, but Becky doesn’t move and lands on her face. The bell hasn’t rung and for some reason this match isn’t over yet. The crowd’s totally pissed and its obvious Becky was too dumb to move out of the way in time. My spell check hates Jungle Grlll so much.

1:39 The Women doing Topes remind me of girl pushups. They aren’t as impressive, but it seems like we just give them bonus points for even trying? Equality works.

1:40 Becky goes for splash but lands on the knees and does a killer bounce off the knees. That looked brutal. She follows that up by taking a Mid 90s WWF Jobber Clothesline flip bump, which may be slightly more brutal.

1:42 Becky is getting the crap kicked out of her in this match. Aside from the botched finish earlier, this match has exceeded all expectations. Though I think the CZW air horn guy is in the crowd. What a stroker.

1:43 Why is the ref trying to make a count? It’s a fucking splash match.

1:45 Jungle Grrl abandons her womb based offense for a second to climb the top rope. Oh my god, she gives a Belly to Belly off the second rope! What the hell kind of show is this.

This showed up when I looked for images.

1:46 Jungle Grrrl has gotten a ladder. To quote Mark Twain “Holy Fuck”.

1:46 Lee Marshal “Look Brain, it’s a ladder.” Bobby Heenan “You must have worked in a hardware store, how else would you know?”

1:47 Jungle Grrll climbs the ladder, which is Jeff Hardy style, and looks like she’s going to take off. The ladder moves as she jumps and she lends face first on Becky’s knee/thigh. Fucking gross. Being the pro she is, she no sells her complete facial destruction and is declared victorious.

1:47 The geniuses at WOW are constantly replaying the totally botched splash. At least it’s not TNA.

1:47 Back to some stupid thing with David McClane and the chick who owns the Lakers. David McClane is the triple H of WOW, or at least the Greg Gagne. I’m using this time to check out whatever happened to Riot. I’ve come to no conclusions yet.

1:49 Patti Pizzazz and Lana Starr have arrived in their not at all pre-taped limo segment. Ice Cold attacks Patti Pizzazz and puts her in the trunk. I think this counts as attempted murder?

1:50 Now it’s time for a match I actually really wanted to see as a kid. It’s the finals of the WOW Tag team tournament as Caged Heat do battle with Harley’s Angels. Once again, puns are not a strong suit.

1:51 In case you’re dumber then a bag of rocks in a haystack, Harleys Angels are evil Biker White Trash chicks. One of them is pretty hot, one of them ok, and one of them is a giant fat chick named Thug. It’s the simplest Fuck Marry Kill of all time.

1:51 ODB stole her look from one of these broads. I don’t know their names, because all white people look alike to me

1:52 It’s time for what will probably be the last time I mark out over any of these girls. YES! LOCO AND DELTA LOTTA PAIN! CAGED HEAT! I used to love these two back in the day. Probably didn’t help matters that Loca looked like a Mexican Daffney.

1:53 This is a race war basically.

1:53 Caged Heat started as heels, but got so over they were faces. How do I remember stuff like this? I failed math in college twice, but I can distinctly remember the booking tendencies of David McClane.

1:55 Heenan asks Lee Marshall why Caged Heat are in prison, Lee has no answer.

1:55 It took us nearly two hours, but Charlie Davidson hits a dropkick that finally hits face and not chest.

1:57 Ref bump number 4 of the show

1:57 Fifth

1:57 CHARLIE DAVIDSON TAKES THE WORST DDT OF ALL TIME. She just went to her knees. Wow, I’m going to let that previous line settle in.

1:58 The Mr. Glass referee is out of action so Thug takes it upon herself to beat up my poor little Loca.

1:58  AWWMAN! AWWMAN! Lee Marshall is racist. AWWMAN! Some random girl runs down to ringside as the new third member but to Lee Marshall all Black people look alike. He says that it must be DeltaLotta Pain even though Delta is like five shades darker then this girl. Rob Naylor is vindicated.

1:59 The new member of Caged Heat is a big lady, and she stares down Thug and then bodyslams her! It’s like the USS Intrepid except nobody gives a shit. That sets up Caged Heat for a Two Post Massacre!

2:00 Caged Heat win the belts and celebrate by throwing the referee over the top. The poor man overshoots the ropes and just goes from ring to floor in a matter of seconds. Thurman Munson eat your heart out.

2:00 I still can’t believe Lee Marshall is secretly a racist

2:01 They’ve announced Caged Heat as the winners at least three times. Caged Heat are given their tag title belts which look like a pre-schooler’s present for his Mom’s Birthday. I suppose it’s the thought that counts

2:05 We cut backstage to Lana Starr on a cell phone. Cell phones were around back then? No it’s just a cordless phone. Man, the early 2000s were like ancient Greece to me. Insert Molestation joke here.

2:07 Now it’s a highlight video of Danger and Teri Gold. AWESOME RIOT WAS IN THIS MATCH! This is what this show has become, The Riot show featuring Ben Pasco’s adolescent crush.

2:09 I’m still looking up Riot. I guess Riot was on some plastic surgery show and looks different? I hope she’s still a babe.

2:10 Coming out first is “The Perfect 10” Teri Gold. I’d give her an 8

2:11 Breaking news, Riot’s real name is April Katherine Littlejohn. I will begin scouring the interwebs after this match. Danger’s coming out now with a gimmick of The Weapon master. She looks way too much like Aileen the lady serial killer, to not make me uncomfortable.

2:13 This match is ok, but honestly…I’m still focused on Riot. She was awesome and DANGER STOLE HER TITLE MATCH DAMMIT!

2:14 Ref Bump 6.

2:14 YES RIOT! RIOT IS HERE! WHITE RIOT I WANNA RIOT WHITE RIOT A RIOT OF MY OWN!

2:15 Riot Powerbombs Danger awkwardly to the outside ala Kevin Nash. It breaks just the legs of the table, but who cares how many moves she botches. She’s fucking Riot.

2:16 Teri Gold hits a lionsault that makes Chris Jericho look Nick Gage. It was one of those super crisp moves that brings a tear to my eye and makes Al Snow bitterer. Teri wins the title, but let’s be honest, it’s all about Riot.

2:17 Time for more pornographic swimsuit stuff as this its ice Cold emerging from the sea like Mark Lewin. Ice Cold looks like a jacked up Mia Sara.

2:19 Lee Marshall should sell tapes of his voice as contraceptives.  There’s a poorly planned close up of snow falling on Ice Cold’s vagina that just makes it look like pubic dandruff.

2:20 It’s Lana Starr’s turn and she is such a goddamn whore. She is wearing a thong and basically inviting us to go ahead and stick this camera up her balloon knot.

2:21 We go backstage to a Caged Heat promo. To summarize, their new member is Vendetta, their belts look like shit, and I’ve yet to see a Riot bikini video.

2:24 Lana Starr comes out on crutches. Lana was the fucking most obnoxious heel cunt as a character. Basically she was Paris Hilton before Paris Hilton was….Paris Hilton. It doesn’t help that her voice reminds me of the annoying fat Kardashian sister. As a person she’s miserable, but as a heel she’s tremendous

2:25 According to Lana “Patti was unable to turn on the TV in my dressing room. I had to do it myself and tripped over the coffee table”. I didn’t know that Lana Starr did the Memphis loop.

2:25 The crowd is absolutely livid that they will not see a woman humiliated tonight. They are in LA though, so I figure there are numerous “Daddy’s Little Runaways”-esque strip clubs surrounding the arena.

2:26 I’ve been waiting all night to say, Shit McClane! David McClane will not allow such chicanery and tomfoolery in a federation with a convict tag team. Because according to David McClane ““Unlike the other wrestling organizations, WOW delivers what it promises”-

2:26……….

2:26 Did he just make a moral stand?….did….?

2:26 I’m going to let that sink in and just…move along

Awesome gimmick, awesome name, awful wrestler

2:28 Some banter happened and things were said, but basically Lana is forced into the match. Poison comes out and I am completely disinterested. I’m more distracted by how shitty the Philly Cheesesteak I’m eating is. It tastes more like a Pittsburgh CheeseSteak. I want Tony Luke’sL.

2:30 Ice Cold enters the arena, having clearly borrowed her entire entrance from Glacier. I still can’t get over how big a deal this head shaving in appears to be.

2:32 I forgot that Lana Starr was all charisma, and no talent. She may be the worst female wrestler of all time. Poison doesn’t seem to appreciate Lana’s lack of ability and does a knee drop onto Lana’s throat.

2:33 For some reason this is a team of babyfaces against a heel. However, Lana is being booked like she’s a plucky babyface overcoming the odds. This is stupid

2:34 The hot tag to Ice Cold had a crowd reaction befitting her moniker. Ice Cold nails an elbow, but who cares because there wasn’t a 540 degree spin to it.

2:36 The crowd is eerily quiet for this. Ice Cold keeps going for pins and the referee is distracted. You can hear a pin drop in the arena, and the sound of men saving these mental images as “Fap”.

2:39 Poison accidently knocks out Ice Cold, and Lana takes advantage for the victory. Poison didn’t even make an attempt o save her partner. The crowd hates all of this and I can’t say I blame them. This was the main draw of the PPV and it’s definitely been the worst match I’ve seen in a while.

2:43 It’s time for the haircutting thing which is about as bad as expected.  It’s not an execution, it’s a haircut.  Ice Cold already had short hair anyways, so it’s not like it’s that significant a change. David McClane is a charlatan.

2:44 Ice cold comes out of unconsciousness and starts screaming and crying over the haircut. She must be on her period.

2:46 I hate this.

2:48 I still hate this.

2:49 I still hate this.

2:50 The crowd gets pissed when they mercifully end the segment. Half of Ice Cold’s hair is cut, which leaves the crowd feeling like they’ve been cheated. Remember when McClane gave us what he promised?

2:51 To show how high class this company is, they announce over the house microphone that wrestlers will be giving autographs after the show.  I would hate to be one of those wrestlers meeting one of their serial killer fans.

2:52 I breathe a sigh of relief when they lower the cage as opposed to build it.  I then get annoyed when the announcers feel the need to explain a cage match like the fans are toddlers. The fans are not children; they are balding men with glasses.

2:53 An hour and a half later and Bobby Heenan is still shitting on the Bronco Billie angle. Lee Marshall takes the time to announce the next WOW PPV, Spring Vengeance, which never happened. Nothing quite as awkward as announcers having to stall for time.

2:54 This match is going to be a cage match between Thug and Selina Majors. I’m going to draw my own conclusions and decide that this match is for the Queen of the Lady Mullet title.

2:55 Wait, we never got Riot in the Swimsuit competition? I demand my money back, all the money I spend watching this on YouTube for free. You know a show isn’t highly regarded when you cannot even find a torrent of it. The only thing not on torrents is this show and, food. By the Way, if I could torrent food then life would be perfect.

2:56 To give you a visual, Selina is about as sexy as your aunt in a one piece bathing suit.

2:57 In a completely foreshadowed moment, Teri Gold has been declared the special Gatekeeper in the match. Basically, she has to make sure that Harley’s Angels cannot break through a chain-link fence and a steel lock. There’s apparently twenty more minutes of this, kill me.

2:58 I’m pretty sure the DVDR sleaze list said Selina and Thug use to scissor each other. It’s probably the two people on this show I would least like to imagine naked.

2:59 For some reason they cut backstage to Ice Cold’s head being shaved. TNA doesn’t even have this short an attention span.

3:01 I guarantee there’ll be a ref bump tonight. Harley’s Angels are showing up on the audio, and they are being super obnoxious. WOW then earns their bankruptcy, by cutting to Ice Cold during A NEARFALL! Nobody let Russo see this.

3:02 Selena’s bleeding, Terri Runnels just got wet

3:03 Selena Majors looks like Lily Tomlin if she had more poor life decisions. Why isn’t Riot or Slam Dunk in this match? Man, Riot vs. Slam Dunk would have redefined women’s wrestling. Fuck Manami Toyota vs. Aja Kong, Joshimania needs Riot vs. Slam Dunk. Book it Quack!

3:04 I can’t even make up what I’m about to tell you. They cut to the headshaving again, except now it’s just an empty barber’s chair with nobody around. Uwe Boll could direct this show better, and he’s German.

3:05 This is the kind of match that old timers would say is awesome. Its random strikers and no moves. Old school wrestling sucked a dick. Some guys were awesome, but a lot of it was just so boring. Fuck you Les Thatcher, I like ants.

3:06 Thug proclaims that she is not an animal. Rock and Roll is a Savage animal. I’m so bored by this I’m referencing the awesome VH1 show, Supergroup.

3:07 Teri Gold is going to turn heel isn’t she?

3:09 Despite Selena bleeding profusely, the crowd hates this match. I do too, because it’s a fucking abomination. I can’t believe there’s thirteen minutes left in this video. Goddamnit.

3:11 For some reason Ice Cold ran out to ringside during the match and threatened David McClane. WOW cut to her during the one interesting part of the match, which would be what sounded like a brutal chair shot to Thug. We’ll never know though, because the director has Parkinson’s or something.

3:12 Ice Cold screaming “MCCLANE” just makes me wish Hans Gruber was in WOW. Oh by the way, there was a ref bump.

3:13 The referees in the show have taken a lot more bumps then the chicks have. The Referee then decides to turn his external genitalia into internal genitalia and run away from his problems. He’s climbing the cage which is actually absurdly large. This might be a legitimately 25 foot cage.

3:14 SELENA SHAKES THE CAGE AND THE REF FALLS AT LEAST 15 FT THROUGH A TABLE! WHAT IS GOING ON! Why are the referees taking these retarded bumps? I have way more questions than answers. Mainly, why is the referee even bleeding?

3:15 I was going to give the PPV thumbs up until the last two matches. Meanwhile Charley’s Angels are trying to break into the cage, but Teri Gold is awkwardly stopping them. She’s also stopping the referee from coming in by proxy.

3:16 Selena is doing those stupid, overhand and chop my own hand, chops. Equality works. Thug retaliates and knocks Selena out. She makes Teri Gold count the pin, and Thug wins the match. I feel like I just went through a funeral for the wrestling business. That was the worst thing ever. Ryder or Riot.

3:18 Selena is covered in blood, which I feel bad for her having to waste plasma on this awful match. Selena is then the one who turns heel, but randomly beating the hell out of Teri Gold. That’s right folks; girls can’t be friends with other girls.

3:19 Ref bump

3:19 Ref Bump

3:20 Ref Bump

3:21 Bobby Heenan is just crapping all over the fact that Selena has decided to no sell the last fifteen minutes of wrestling. I decide I hate this and turn it off. I guess I’ll never know who won the bikini contest.

Overall, this show was surprisingly good until the two worst back to back matches in wrestling history.  I’d recommend people check out some of the matches, if only because Heenan shits over everything he doesn’t like. Alex Fitzgerald will be back soon with another Deep Hurting, but until then remember to email us at itsrainingmeng@gmail.com if you have any feedback.

-Ben Pasco

PS: RIOT!

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