In 1995, I was 7 years old and as far as I was concerned Diesel vs. King Mabel was the feud of the year. In my little world, I didn’t know much about what a good wrestling match was or the meanings of words like workrate or babyface. All I know was that some people were awesome, and some people totally sucked. Just south of the Mason-Dixon Line in 1995, WCW was running their show WCW Uncensored with ALL GIMMICKS! Much like TNA after them, WCW decided that the best way to ensure a profit was to overload the audience with matches that either limited performers or raised expectations. I’ve never seen this show before, but to give you an idea of how bad it’s supposed to be…
It won the Wrestling Observer Worst Show of 1995 award………the same year as King Mabel won at King of the Ring 1995.
Dear god in heaven….
00:00 We get ourselves an opening video with tons of squiggles and quick cuts. Apparently the producer of Dr. Katz was call on to design the opening graphics for this PPV. Was ECW really that prevalent back then that WCW was already attempting to rip it off? T
00:02 We’re coming to you from Tupulo Mississippi for tonight’s program.By the way, they have yet to show a single black person in the crowd. The announcers play up that anything will go tonight and that WCW has not sanctioned any of these bouts. Nothing screams Uncensored like Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay in awkward tuxedos.
00:03 Heenan and Tony Schiavone hype up the PPV. Heenan declares this the biggest week in sports. I believe he meant to say biggest “weak” in sports. Chip Chipperson loved that joke. The main event tonight will be Vader with Ric Flair in his corner vs. Hulk Hogan with The Renegade in his. The Renegade has yet to debut at this point, and it looks like tonight will be the disappointment realized. For some reason they talk over a hulk Hogan audioless promo of him speaking in the smoke while Renegade rotates behind him.
00:04 For those of you who were begging to know Mike Tenay will be manning the WCW hotline tonight. Not only that, but They’re going to allow the first minute FREE. What a deal! The fans don’t have any chance to dial and find out Missy Hyatt’s bra size before we cut to the first match already in progress. It’s The King of the Road Match between Dustin Rhodes and Blacktop Bully.
00:06 The match starts off hot and heavy with Dustin and Bully awkwardly falling around like underaged girls leaving a frat party. Luckily for us, the WCW helicopter is there to catch all the action. I love how it couldn’t be a helicopter, but the WCW helicopter. When Vince Russo came into power five years later, it was revealed the WCW Helicopter was a plane then entire time.
00:08 They keep cutting to establishing shots from a far away angle to prove to us that this match is happening on a truck. It’s serving more to clearly edit the match.
00:09 This reminds of watching kids on GUTS who just couldn’t figure out how to do things. Especially those idiots who sucked at the basketball bungee jump, I hated them
00:10 The fans can see all the action if they squint their eyes between the forest surrounding the truck. The view changes just in time to see Dustin Rhodes hit Blacktop Bully with the dreaded bale of hay. Heenan tries to cover by explaining how heavy the hay is, but let’s be honest it’s Hay. If you hit me with an Andre the Giant sized down comforter, it’s still pleasant.
00:12 Dustin Rhodes throws a bucket of water at Blacktop Bully and completely misses. I don’t know why this match sucks, when Keanu Reeves can fight on underground Subway cars. This should have just been structured like an action movie if they were even going to bother doing this. Dustin Rhodes should be dropping one liners and haymakers, not dropping to the knees every time this thing makes a turn.
00:13 They say that opening matches set the tone…….
00:14 All of a sudden the sun has decided to change its mind and is dark. I’m assuming this is Anchorage, Mississippi or something. Also, I hate how much easier it is to spell Mississippi then it is to spell Massachusetts. I needed word check right there to spell my own state right.
00:15 I’m sure this match is really hard to perform, but it might be harder to watch. What it really needs is just a Hans Zimmer score underneath it. Honestly though, if you take out the announcer and add some epic music then it just becomes a Michael bay movie.
00:16 All of a sudden it’s sunset
00:17 I lied, it’s back to being noon
00:18 I looked it up and this wasn’t even worst match of the year. Did a bunch of pit bulls fight babies or something? What could be worse than this? I do have to say though; I have to wonder what the other cars are thinking as they drive by this monstrosity.
00:19 The truck comes to a stop to “let a church bus go through”. Afterwards they lose the feed due to “microwave interference”. I “enjoy” this match.
00:20 Apparently the microwave interference busted open Bully and Dustin Rhodes. Bully needs to stop hanging off the edge of the truck, I don’t want Demolition to die…I want them to reunite at Chikara a decade and a half later. I feel like I’m at Hill Valley High right now trying to stop this.
00:21 This match is my nightmare
00:22 Bully wins after he hits Dustin with a super lame looking punch and pulls the horn. I can neither confirm nor deny microwave interference when the referee’s back was turned. They immediately cut back to the arena, where fireworks are going off. My redneck neighbor puts on a more impressive display of pyromania then these strokers.
00:23 Backstage interview with the greatest trio of men ever Arn Anderson, Robert Parker, and Meng. Wait? MENG IS IN THE MARTIAL ARTS MATCH! AWWMAN!
00:24 I can’t be the only person who wants Arn Anderson and Jake Roberts to recreate the scene from Heat, could I?
00:25 Robert Fuller is the absolute best. “He’s gonna show you over nine different types of martial arts”- Robert Parker accidently inventing Mixed martial Arts.
00:26 They throw it to a hype video for the Meng vs. Duggan match. The hype video consists of two clips, and one minute of running time.
00:26 Gary Michael Capetta literally just said “For our next contest?” Poor Gary
00:27 Meng coming out dressed like the Great Kabuki is impressive. Meng having an entrance theme that sounds like somebody running up and down a set of musical stairs is less impressive.
00:28 In an awesome turn of events, Duggan has chosen to come to this match dressed like Ray Jackson aka Ogre from Bloodsport. I can only await Meng clutching his bandana and telling Duggan’s friends that “They are Next”
00:29 The Special guest referee for this match is……….. “SONNY ONOO”. AWWMAN! AWWMAN! AWWMAN! AWWMAN! They say it’s not the size of the fighter, but I could beat the shit out of Sonny Onoo. There’s knowing karate, then there’s being a tiny untimidating man.
00:30 If you were wondering how he could possibly get scarier, Meng has decided to paint his face. If you were wondering how this match could get any more convoluted, Duggan is refusing to bow. Meng has his face painted, how can he possibly be more terrifying
00:32 Duggan has still been refusing to bow because Jim Duggan is a cheater. Robert Parker is a stickler for the rule book and Sonny Onoo is looking like an idiot yelling at Hacksaw. I don’t see how this makes Duggan look like anything over then a pussy.
00:33 As soon as Duggan bows, Meng kicks him in the face. hallelujah
00:34 Apparently the rules of this match allows you to win by pinfall?
00:36 Meng and Duggan have been exchanging a series of thrilling martial arts maneuvers. Duggan uses the old Jiujutsu technique of tearing off your own boot to hit the guy with. Meng counters with the Kempo technique of choking your opponent with one hand in the corner.
00:37 I still like this more than BJ Penn fights
00:38 Martial Arts Nervehold!
00:39 Martial Arts Rope Choke!
00:40 Duggan is trapped in the dreaded Martial Arts nervehold. The “see if the guy is going to pass out in a nervehold” spot doesn’t work as well when Duggan is conscious and moving.
00:41 Jim Duggan just learned the number one rule of life. Never headbutt a Samoan, Tongan, or person of a different ethnic background then yourself
00:42 Robert Parker lays in some martial arts style outside interference on Duggan. Man, how sweet the UFC would be if corner men could get involved in the contest. Imagine Pat Militech distracting Herb Dean so Matt Hughes can load up his glove. Meng then shows another aspect severely missing from MMA, martial arts elbows…….drops.
00:43 Sonny Onoo has decided in a martial arts match of boots as weapons, choking, outside interference, and much more that he’s had enough. He will allow all those things but not allow Duggan to do 10-count in the corner. Duggan then decides it’s time to finish it and goes to his patented three-point stance.
00:44 MENG NO SELLS THE 3 Point Stance! AMERICA IS DEAD!
00:45 Robert Parker gets his face smacked in my Jim Duggan. Sonny Onoo is a man of honor and attempts to stop Duggan. Meng decides to mediate the situation by kicking an unprotected Duggan in the face to mercifully end this. I’ll give Col Parker a 10, Meng’s facepaint a 10, and this match a 2.
00:46 Oh great a Boxer vs. Wrestler match is next, this wont suck. Commissioner Nick Bockwinkel made this match. I have to say Nick Bockwinkel would be an incredibly frustrating commissioner. Imagine all the over-worded memos? He’d fit in with corporate America at least.
00:47 Alex Wright cameo in the prehype video, highlight of the show so far
00:48 Backstage is Jonny B Badd with his trainer. Two things spring to mind during this
segment. One, Jonny B Bad had an underrated mustache. Two, why is it everyone who plays a boxing trainer has to immediately act like Burgess Meredith from Rocky.
00:49 A special video highlight package of Arn Anderson before the match. Its clips of him spinebustering while mixed in with future Facebook quotes of mine. Awesome
00:53 Arn Anderson is out first and is representing the sport of wrestling. The crowd cheers wrestling and boo when they realized Jonny B Badd is representing the evil that is boxing. Gary Michael Capetta announces that this bout is scheduled for ten rounds. Fuck
0:55 Jonny B Bad is playing the Anderson Silva to Arn Anderson’s Chael Sonnen. I eagerly await Chael Sonnen destroying all of my hopes and dreams.
00:56 I have always have a huge problem with boxer vs. wrestler matches. I can’t be the only one who thinks pro wrestlers get punched in the face all the time so why would a dude with gloves be that big a deal?
00:57 Round one finally ends.
1:00 The next round goes exactly the same with Jonny B Bad kicking the shit out of Arn Anderson. This is just the worst thing ever.
1:01 I immediately eat my words as Arn Anderson DDTS him after the bell! ARN ANDERSON! Not only that, but he attacks Jonny B Badd some more and then reminds the referee that it is NODQ.
1:03 The match already sucks again. This show sucks so hard that I’m reminiscing on the good times that Col. Parker was cutting promos a half hour ago. Ahh, memories.
1:04 Arn Anderson whips Jonny B Bad into his stool. Badd’s trainer jumps on Anderson’s back and then absolutely nothing interesting happens. For some reason Heenan keeps asking if they’ve found the location of Jimmy Hart yet? Since when has anybody wanted to find Jimmy Hart? I theorize he’s at the Rick Springfield concert
1:07 Badd’s Trainer cuts the glove off of Badd and puts a spit bucket on Anderson. Badd throws a punch at the bucket which leads to Anderson taking the greatest,” I just got punched in the face and I don’t know where I am” sell of all time. He looks like a squirrel, insert Sid Vicious joke here, looking for a mate.
1:08 Badd Kos Anderson and this is finally over. This has been the worst series of matches I’ve ever seen.
1:11 Backstage, Macho Man cutes a promo with Mike Tenay. Macho made some interesting gear design choices later in his career, such as this ensemble which makes him look like he should be in a zero gravity machine. Savage cuts a typical promo where you don’t understand a word he says, but you still realize that it’s the most profound statement you’ve ever heard. To top it all off, I’m pretty sure Macho just moonwalked out of frame. I really dropped the ball at my HS graduation by not doing macho man impressions
1:13 As Gary Michael Capetta announces the next match of Randy Savage vs. Avalanche, I notice something disturbing. There is a severe lack of signs in this crowd, and just a complete overlap of redneck white people.
1:15 For those not in the know, Avalanche is WWF’s Earthquake. Creativity. No matter the name, Avalanche still looks like Gallagher’s big brother. Instead of smashing watermelons, he smashes ribcages. As a whole, wrestling needs a lot more giant fat guys who can kind of move.
1:18 Macho Man dives to the outside with a cross body to Avalanche! Macho Man top rope plancha! Macho Plancha!
1:20 Avalanche hits Savage with a dropkick? What is this?…..I don’t even…..
1:22 This is the best match on the show, and it still isn’t even that good. Where is Riot when I need her? Avalanche just won’t let Savage get into the ring. This reminds me of all the cheap kids on WWE All Stars I always seem to be paired against. Don’t worry, one day they’ll all fall victim to the best move in the game…The Spear.
1:24 Remember The Natural Disasters?…they were pretty awesome. ….
1:25 What was once the Earthquake Splash has been deemed the avalanche drop. I hate you WCW, I’m glad you’re out of business. Anyways, Savage moved out of the way to spare us from his own murder.
1:27 I was seven when this match was happening. In related news, I feel like I’ve been watching this match for seven years. Wokka Wokka who wants to hear a funny ass joke.
1:30 Savage finally gets advantage when some broad comes out and attacks Randy Savage. The lady then starts backhand chopping Savage. Not only does she chop, but the lady then begins to strut. Tony Schiavone still can’t figure this out and yet people called David Crockett the dumb one.
1:31 That’s right, the lady takes off her wig to reveal herself as Ric Flair. Clearly Ric Flair has resorted to being a transsexual escort in order to pay his bills. He doesn’t have a chance to proposition Randy Savage though, as Hulk Hogan runs out for the save. Not only that, but its Emaciated Hulk Hogan and he is angry and hungry.
1:32 Just to give you an idea of how fucking awful this is, all night they’ve been hyping the no disqualification aspect of the PPV. Everything has been billed as uncensored and unsanctioned, and yet MACHO MAN JUST WON BY DQ. This is almost as stupid as Ric Flair’s shitty medieval page boy haircut he has right now.
1:37 Mike Tenay backstage with Harlem Heat and no, he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb at all. Booker T delivers a promo that reminds you why somebody would put him on commentary sometimes. Sherri Martel then cuts a promo that she’s clearly making up as she goes. They get all the way to some dramatic catchphrase, when Tenay pulls the microphone away to cut to Heenan/Schiavone and therefore render the segment useless.
1:38 Tony hypes up the Sting vs. Big Bubba Rogers match and the factors involved. According to him, Bubba has the size but Sting has the charisma. Clearly Sting needs all the charisma in order to get his health meter full and launch his finisher. Astute observations by Schiavone as usual.
1:40 Tenay is interviewing Sting backstage. Here’s a hint for you Mike Tenay, stop darting your eyes back and forth when you’re on camera solo. He looks like he’s eyeing unsupervised children off screen
1:42 There’s a close up of what could be the lamest sign of all time. A group of fans spelt STING on construction paper that could fit in a trapper keeper. To make it better, it looks they spelt it with crayon. These are all grown men in the front row.
1:44 Sting takes the fight right to Big Bubba and knocks him around. Sting then takes Bubba’s fancy hat and leg drops it! Jagged, eat your heart out because Stinger just outshone you! S
1:45 I love Bobby Heenan, but if I was playing a drink game every time they used uncensored as an adjective, I’d be at Scott Hall right about now.
1:46 I wish this was a Monday Nitro in 95, so I could change the channel and see what Shawn Michaels was doing
1:48 Bubba finally takes control against Sting. Somebody needs to tell Bubba to either take his shirt off or keep it closed. He has the front part open so he just looks like the drunken office temp getting violated in a back room.
1:49 Awwwwww, there’s a How I met your mother marathon on that I’m missing because of this show? I want to see the zany adventures with Robin, Barney, Ted, Lily and Marshall instead of this crap.
1:51 In all honesty, this match isn’t too bad. The fact is I just wish I didn’t spend my first day of unemployment by watching this garbage. It’s not even fun, it’s just wicked boring.
1:53 It’s the Lily and Marshall wedding episode! Damn you 1995 WCW! How many more lives must you ruin?
1:55 To keep you up to speed, Sting is getting beat up by Big Bubba Rogers and Scooter is planning on breaking up the wedding.
1:58 Finally something interesting happens as Bubba takes a random tumble off the top rope. Ouch! That was Candice Michelle levels of pain right there. To make matters worse Sting absolutely kills him with a dirty German Suplex.
2:00 Bubba Rogers won, I don’t even know. This episode of “How I Met Your Mother” is really good, this show isn’t. I promise I’ll try to pay attention more in the last two matches. Neil Patrick Harris is just so damn magnetizing though!
2:01 Next up is Harlem Heat vs. The Nasty Boys in a fall count anywhere match. The recap video for this match sounds like something that would be rejected for Soft-core porn.
2:02 As a kid, all I could ever think was that Jerry Sags eerily like Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
2:03 The Nasty Boys deliver a typically subtle and eloquent promo
2:05 It’s time for random video feature on Harlem Heat and their awkward leather gear. Harlem Heat’s video was about a minute long. They didn’t even get 3/5 of the time that Arn Anderson’s video did. Missouri Compromise joke.
2:08 Harlem Heat jump the Nasty Boys from behind, and luckily they aren’t wearing those weird leather singlets. Seriously though, the leather gear Harlem heat used to wear just made me cringe. By the way, if you’re playing the uncensored drinking game and aren’t dead, you are André the zombie giant. I guess that makes you dead still, but it doesn’t matter because you only dog paddle.
2:10 To deny that there are racial tensions between Mississippi and Harlem heat…..
3:18 Worst spike piledriver ever to knobs
2:14 The action so far has been awful spike piledrivers, Sherri Martel going to Pity City, and the camera missing most of the interesting things.
2:15 They brawl to a concession stand where Stevie Ray tries to smother Jerry Sags with cotton candy. That’s exactly how I want to go out.
2:17 OH they’re in Tuppalo Mississippi? And they’re at a concession stand? This is the greatest in joke in pro wrestling history.
2:18 The Nasty Boys cover Harlem Heat with mustard. Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow
2:19 They all keep sliding everywhere on the floor while trying to brawl. Somehow I doubt The Honky Tonk Man viewed this match as much of a tribute to the brawl. This is awesome with how much it sucks.
2:22 Saggs pushes Sherri who takes a dive like Jake Brown at the X-Games .The Nasty Boys get the win with a pinfall that doesn’t show up on camera. WCW.
2:24 Mike Tenay is backstage in a completely new place. This time he’s set to interview Vader and Ric Flair.
2:28 Vader promos were totally underrated. Vader promos are just like all stereotypical wrestling promos. Meanwhile, Ric Flair is still wearing makeup on. Flair looks way too much like McCauley Culkin in Party Monster for my taste. The gimmick is that Flair has gone completely mental.
2:29 In the highlight video for Hogan/Vader, Doug Dillinger doesn’t have a beard. What kind of world do we live in? This video shows that as a babyface, Hulk Hogan still did a lot of heel tactics like interfering in matches and overstepping his bounds.
2:31 Michael Buffer is announcing in a purple suit. That suit isn’t cheap; you ought to know you bought it. As Buffer just indicated, it’s time for Vader vs. Hulk Hogan in a leather strap match. I do thing the teaming of Vader and Flair was pretty genius, but Flair looking like an idiot with mascara smeared all over his face was a lot less genius.
2:32 I want to write this down for posterity. I enjoyed WOW Unleashed more than this shitty PPV. Riot> Vader
2:33 Hulk Hogan is coming out now and all I can think is “Will somebody get Hulk Hogan a sandwich/ HGH?” Sign in the crowd: Hulk Hogan Whip Vader like a dog Bow Wow”
2:35 The heels corner Hogan before the match starts. The crowd is amped waiting for The Ultimate…I mean the Renegade. I’m watching the people in the crowd just knowing to be disappointed. This must be what pre-op trannies feel like
2:36 The crowd explodes as the Renegade theme hits, which sounds like a toddler playing the Ultimate Warrior theme. You’ve never watched the soul of a group of people die as quickly as when they realize that it is not the ultimate warrior. It just went from Midnight to six
3:39 Vader has been de-masked already; I’ve always loved how poor that mask was at protecting his identity. We all already know that he’s Frankie the Enforcer’s dad. Hogan decides to be a total babyface and bite Vader’s forehead unprovoked.
3:41 Did Ric Flair ever wrestle Ultimate Warrior in a singles match? Also, somebody find me a Curt Henning vs. Ricky Steamboat match.
2:34 Renegade is doing an absolutely dreadful job of keeping Flair out of the ring. He isn’t even hurting Flair, he just gets in his face and yells at him until Flair gives up. This is an analogy for all my relationships.
2:40 Jimmy Hart runs down to ringside his all his clothes torn. Did Vader rape Jimmy Hart? Was Ric Flair Jigsaw from Saw? Is this hell?
2:41 Renegade is absolutely useless as he stands snarling as Vader attempts to murder
Jimmy Hart. Hogan retaliates with the worst chair shots of all time.
2:42 Aww, this is the episode where Ted and Robin breakup
2:44 I hate the Renegade
2:45 I hate strap matches
2:46 I hate WCW
2:47 Like all strap matches, you win by dragging your opponent to the four corners. Rocket Scientist Hulk Hogan has decided it would not be a million times harder to drag Vader to the corners on the OUTSIDE of the ring. Hulk Hogan deserves the awful thing that happened to him, Brooke’s career.
2:48 T Vader punched Renegade in the face, Renegade was supposed to no sell it but Renegade definitely staggered a bit. Heenan tries to play it off like it didn’t move Renegade, but he totally staggered. Ultimate Paper Bitch!
2:49 Nothing makes doing these reviews harder than seeing how much time is left in the video.
2:50 Some masked dude comes out and destroys Renegade with a chair. Flair then picks up a wooden chair and they start kicking his ass. Flair’s so old he uses wooden chairs, I’m no Johnny Carson. Flair hits Hogan with a wooden chair, but Hogan doesn’t believe in trees so he hulks up instead.
2:51 Hogan knocks out Flair and then puts the strap on him. Hogan’s walking the corners with Flair…ok?….
2:52 HOGAN WINS? WHAT? What is this fucking horseshit? I’m so glad this company is out of business
2:53 Vader and Flair jump Hogan anyways, and Renegade awkwardly stands at ringside not actually helping. I wish Hulk Hogan had been in that car crash Look at how useful renegade is by not helping the two on one from Flair and Vader too Hogan.
2:54 There’s another masked man out to the ring, and fuck this I’m out. Match is over, I fulfilled my contract…this was awful
Overall: Fucking Kill me, this was the worst way to spend my day.
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