The Revolting Blob Memorial: The Seven Greatest Fictional Pro Wrestlers

Professional wrestling already has the stigma of being a “fake sport”. To me, professional wrestling is about as real as Rhythmic Gymnastics, with slightly less revealing outfits. When it comes to the portrayals in the media, there have been numerous examples of fictional wrestlers doing fictional things in fictional worlds. However, seven men stand tall about all other fictional wrestlers as the crowned princes of being….fictional. These seven men, all stand tall as the seven greatest fictional pro wrestlers.

#7 Randy The Ram

There are very few movies that are acceptable to make a grown man cry like Field of Dreams, Old Yeller and Cool Runnings. Its movies that emotionally rape you and leave you filing a police report because it was mean of Pixar to take your childhood and use it against you like in Toy Story 3. Of all the sad movies of all the sad topics, The Wrestler is the only one that also features the Necro Butcher. Mickey Rourke absolutely destroys as Randy “The Ram” Robinson who lands at number seven on our list. After seeing Milk, it’s absolutely disgusting that Rourke didn’t get the award he deserved.

Randy the Ram is an interesting dude in the film, because it seems like they combined Jake Roberts, Hulk Hogan, and Terry Funk and then induced him with the abilities to do head scissors. As much as I love that movie, I couldn’t have been the only person who got taken out of a bit when all of a sudden Rourke was doing these crazy head scissors moves with ease? Regardless, despite being the best acted performance on this list I have to put The Ram at number Seven. Why? Because I’ve never wanted to kill myself more than after having to sit through the horrifying depression that was this movie. Sorry Randy, you can be a seven trick pony in the field so happy and free.

#6 Mike Haggar

I can’t do this mustached, muscle of a man justice so I decided to ask my good friend Kyle Reiger to write an entry for me…

Mike Haggar is the real American Dream of wrestling, sorry Dusty. He’s a legend in the Capcom Wrestling Alliance, teaming with Alexander the Grater to form The Knuckle Busters. He’s got underground credentials as a master street fighter. He’s a great politician who has stopped street gangs on three separate occasions, saving Metro City on two of them. Suck it Ventura, when did you ever get gangs out of Minnesota?

His violent axe is a vicious running double axe-handle, which is typically followed by and upward and downward axe-handle. Haggar doesn’t kick much, save an occasional dropkick but his punches would rival The Big Show’s in power, he’s got skillet hands. The man can even do a flying body press out of nowhere. Plus, there’s Hugo, and the Andore family. Hugo is an 8 foot giant wrestler, and the members of his family are all 7 foot plus. Haggar has taken on members of the Andore family, two at a time, in the
streets and won, he’s won two on one street fights against Andre the
Giant and Andre the Giant’s Clone. THAT’S FUCKING INSANE!

#5 Bonesaw McGraw

“The Macho Man” makes an appearance on this list with his portrayal of Bonesaw McGraw in Sam Raimi’s Spiderman. In the original comic books, Bonesaw is actually Crusher Hogan and is some bald big dude. In this version, Bonesaw is the best wrestler ever and delivers nothing but screen gold.  Combo the already impressive Bonesaw with a legendary introduction by Bruce Campbell and you got a recipe for how to draw money.

This performance also puts to an end any of these silly debates of who was better between Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. Sorry, Hulkster but I’ll take this cameo over your overhyped Rocky III cameo any day of the week. Bonesaw never broke Kayfabe like Thunderlips did.  Bill Watts would have fined Thunderlips an entire month’s pay for breaking character in the middle of the ring. Sorry Hogan, but you aren’t even good at being a fake wrestler. I like to think that as Randy stood outside the pearly gates, St. Peter asked him if he was prepared to move on. In my world, Savage replied “Bonesaw’s ready”.

#4 Andy Schmitt a.k.a. “The One and Only

Before Amasis and Ophidian captivated the internet, it was Henry Winkler who was USING HYPNOSIS! Henry Winkler stars in this Carl Reiner film as Andy Schmitt, a struggling actor turned professional wrestler. In the movie he displays two of the greatest pro wrestling gimmicks of all time. First, the evil German master of mind control who uses hypnosis on his opponents and then the Gorgeous George inspired grappler known as The Lover.

Henry Winkler is awesome in this movie, but mainly he gets in on the strengths of the versatility. CM Punk can only be masterful at being CM Punk, but Andy Schmitt can dominate a wrestling ring as an Evil German and as a Flamboyant Blonde. The movie is an undercover jacket and I urge you all check it out. I mean honestly, Mr. Feeney is in it too.

 #3 Chris Benoit

Oh come on, that was funny.

# 2 Zangief

Quick, Change the channel because it’s time for the Russian Monster Zangief.  Coming to us from the usually subtle world of Street Fighter, Zangief is a Russian professional wrestler destined to prove his worth.  I mean, Zangief is the definition of what a physical representation of a wrestler should be. He’s gassed to the gills, wearing a singlet four sizes too small, and with a mound of chest hair. Zangief is either the definition of a man or of a gay bear.

Zangief is not only a pro wrestling icon, but he used to wrestle bears. He would travel into the wilderness and destroy them in the name of Timothy Tidwell. These weren’t the muzzle bears that Tracy Smother humiliated, but rather wild Russian bears who drink Vodka and make awkward pornography.  As awesome as Tracy Smothers is, Zangief would give bears 360 degree spinning piledrivers. I’m sorry Tracy, but when Zangief is around everybearrrrrrrrrrrrr dies.

# 1 Jimmy King

The Bestler. In the world of fictional wrestler, Jimmy reigns as…well..King. Coming out of the greatest professional wrestling movie, I fully believe this, ever mad is Jimmy King. Jimmy King’s story is a story of redemption and a man fighting against his own demons. The parallels between Jimmy King and Randy the Ram are incredibly eerie, except Jimmy King has a far superior ending.  Jimmy King is the man who made the top rope axehandle a viable finish and has also led to more than one drunk buffoon, yourself included, pronouncing that “ I WILL RUUULLLEEEEE YOU”.

Jimmy King got screwed over worse than Bret Hart, I never saw Bret take a four post massacre, and then came back for revenge. He worked an entire wrestling match as a legitimate shoot like his name was Akira Maeda. Jimmy King survived the betrayal of his own son, and then became World heavyweight Champion.  Jimmy King is not only the bestler, the best wrestler, or better than all the wrestler. Jimmy King is the greatest man that ever lived.

Ben Pasco

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