Oh hello, we didn’t see you come in. Welcome to tonight’s live running diary of Night of Champions brought to you by the staff of it’s raining meng. We’ve got our popcorn, our soda pop, our pop music, and our fathers all with us this evening. I hope you enjoy this first time experiment and enjoy the show.
8:00 To paraphrase The Joker ” And here…we…go”
8:01 PPV opens with the WWE All Star guy being melodramatic while some song that should be in Lord of the Rings plays underneath it
8:03 I’m glad Lawler got dressed up for this with his affliction t shirt. It’s a visual affliction that made him wear that. Opening off the show is Air Boom vs. The Awesome Truth
8:04 Miz and R Truth come down to the ring with a remix of “What’s Up” directed at the fans, it’s called “You Suck”. Kurt Angle’s twitter hacking fairy is going to be pissed.
8:07 “Remember when Matt Sydal was signed and everyone was like “Oh man, they should feud him with Kofi.” I think we can put this in the “close enough” category.” Bryan Hughes. “Change your name all you want Matt Sydal, you’re still a tag whore” Ben Pasco
8:08 Michael Cole announces that this PPV is on four stations in Mexico. They’re on FOUR stations in Mexico? Why is this necessary? Do they each have varying degrees of unnecessary dangerous lucha spots and women’s cleavage? Did they preempt Sabado Gigante even though it’s Sunday?
8:10 They really should tell Booker T to take breaths between his commentary. MizworkingoverbourneandIknowmeandstevierayusedtodosomethinglikethatbutnottheyoungbucks
8:11 Michael Cole corrects King about the Mayweather fight last night. By admitting that he watches boxing, he proves that he is out of touch with what people want. Booker then says that Air Boom are re-inventing the tag team by not doing any team moves whatsoever.
8:13 I love that they’re openly saying that the name Air Boom, selected by the fans on twitter, is terrible. People on the internet need to be reminded that not everything they think of is better once in a while. Except for this website.
8:13 Hot tag to Kofi Kingston and it’s a donnybrook in Buffalo! Pete Campbell would be so proud. Miz hits the Smapmare Driver on Kofi! Kofi kicks out
8:16 The Miz just paralyzed Evan Bourne with a DDT. This match is really fun so far.
8:17 Miz pushes the ref to the ground and Air Boom win via DQ. I do believe Miz was insulting that new referee’s sideburns and implying that he could never match 2005 Bryce Remsburg greatness.
8:19 Now it’s time for a WWE anti bullying campaign, featuring no main eventers! Does anyone else find it ironic that midcarders are telling other people to “be a star”?
8:20 Now it’s time of a second generation battle. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted Dibiase for the IC title
8:22 Hey Ted Dibiase, don’t blow this opportunity like Alex Riley did. Also, how can anybody cheer him with that theme. Nothing screams white meat babyface like T pain.
8:23 It’s uncomfortable how many times Michael Cole just said “blossom”.
8:25 What can I say, this is a pretty good and solid match. Also, both of these dudes need elbow pads…it just looks weird.
8:27 Bryan and Fitz feel as though Dibiase would be more interesting if he “came ON money”
8:28 Booker T seems to think the IC champion is number one contender for the world title. I’m glad to see Booker T subscribes to the Pro Wrestling Illustrated ranking system.
8:32 Bryan Hughes says “I want to start a rumor that Cody and the rest of the locker room fart in the paper bags before handing them out. Who do I contact to spread this?”
8:33 According to Booker T “Sidewalk slam and spinebuster. Same move.”
8:34 Dibiase demasks Cody Rhodes and then Cody rolls him up for the victory. As Bryan put it, it was like a lucha spot except nothing happened. Demasking Cody is like demasking Vader.
8:35 Some laser tag commercial featuring Rey Mysterio. Insert Mexican jokes here. The voiceover reminds us we’re near Niagra Falls. NIAGARA FALLS…. slowly I turned… step by step… inch by inch…I’m ninety percent sure it’s Paul Burchill’s theme playing under all this. BTW WHERE IS HUGO SAVINIVICH?
8:38 Christian is out or a random interview. Mainly, A dude with a “Blood-Bath” sign is in attendance dressed as Gangrel! Awwman!
8:39 Christian says that Buffalo will never win the superbowl. Fuck you Christian, they are 2 and 0! Save Us Ryan Fitzpatrick
8:40 Wow Sheamus is out to interrupt…that’s a surprise. Wow, Sheamus has a shirt on, and a dapper vest. This is an actual surprise. Han Solo over here.Why is the back of Sheamus’s vest purple? Did he raid a Dante’s Tuxedo?
8:42 Sheamus is talking about testicles or something, I don’t…what is going on. “I said my Uncle Fargus’ lucky green testicle, Christian. Doesn’t YOUR uncle have one of those?” I hope Sheamus continues making up random relatives. Before he retires, he’ll have a bigger family than the Von Erichs.
8:43 Sheamus ends up tricking Christian and hurting him. He’s basically a really large leprachaun, tricking people and the like.
8:44 Advertisement for the Randy Orton DVD, Randy: Portrait of a Pro Wrestler. As if that wasn’t good enough it’s time for the US Title 4 Way match between John Morrison, Alex Riley, Dolph Ziggler, and Jack Swagger.
8:48 Does anyone else hear Dolph’s music and expect PerfectShawn Stasiak to come out? Just me? Really, guys? Very well. See if I play along anymore…
8:50 Morrison attempted a moonsault dropkick thing, and even the camera guy knew it wouldn’t work so he cut away.
8:51 Alex Riley goes for the pin but Vickie puts his foot on the rope. Dolph Ziggler yells at her for saving Swagger, because Dolph Ziggler doesn’t understand the rules.
8:53 Remember when Johnny Nitro was the best guy on the 2007 WWE roster?
8:54 Morrison just basically decided to have the most amount of upper body strength ever with a spider suplex! All we need is an Osaka Street Cutter and I’ll win Raw vs. Smackdown Bingo.
8:56 Theres been like three nearfalls and the crowd is actually really into this match.
8:57 Swagger hits the Doctor Bomb, but Ziggler steals the victory like a true heel. I love Ziggler so much.
8:59 Josh Matthews is backstage interviewing Mark Henry. I don’t feel like anything else needs to be written.
9:00 Jerry Lawler acts like getting kissed by Vickie Guerrero is a bad thing. Are we still doing this?
9:01 Awwman, next is going to be the match I’ve been looking forward to the most. It’s Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry.
9:03 Does anyone else feel really, really old when they talk about Mark Henry debuting 15 years ago?15 years ago people made fun of me for watching wrestling, and now…. right.
9:06 I can’t be the only person totally amped for this right?
9:08 Booker says in his prime, he wouldn’t want to run across a guy like Mark Henry. This is coming from someone who feuded with Ahmed Johnson over a letter of the alphabet.
9:09 Shut up Sal/Booker T.
9:10 This is David vs. Goliath if David shat in diva’s bags and Goliath knocked up a lady who gave birth to a hand. Other then those things it’s EXACTLY the same.
9:12 The Emmys are on mute on my TV. I’m distracted by how pretty Jon Hamm is. LONELY ISLAND IS DOING JACK SPARROW LIVE ON THE EMMYS!
9:13 Back to wrestling, this match is basically Wesley vs. Fezzik from The Princess Bride. AWESOME
9:18 This match has been really good. Not enough Jon Hamm though.
9:19 Orton hits the DDT. HE’S SOCIOPATHING UP!
9:21 The tide turns again and Mark Henry is now in control. World’s Strongest Slam! AWWMAN AWWMAN AWWMAN AWWMAN! NEW WORLD CHAMPION!
9:23 Crossbones comes back and Mark henry wins the belt. This is a good day to be a large man. Dude, this was awesome. Fuck white people.
9:26 Mark Henry cuts an awesome promo and then decides to go yell at all the fans. Oh hai Mark!
9:27 Hugh Jackman is on Raw tomorrow and Johnny Ace is on TV right now. I am unsure how to feel. CM PUNK IS WEARING HIS NEW ICE CREAM BAR T SHIRT! CM Punk leaves and Johnny Ace begins to text. I’ll assume he was asking Mrs. Baba for nudes
9:29 Speaking of Mrs. Baba, it’s Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix.
9:30 Beth seems actually kind of touched. This is kinda like girl CM Punk in Chicago levels, except THEY HAVE A VAGINAAAAA
9:33 Kelly Kelly sounds like Charley Chase screaming like that.
9:34 Natalya pulls out Beth and Eve randomly attacks her. A women overreacting? that almost never happens….
9:36 WOW! Beth Phoenix hits Kelly with a top rope superplex. Kelly took that bump like SHIIIIIIIIT!
9:38 Kelly steals the win with a sunset flip and the crowd is fucking bullshit. Yeah WWE, it’s usually a good idea to have your babyface champion get booed…oh…wait.
9:40 In case you didn’t get it, Don’t Try this at home. Next up is Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena.
9:43 I don’t even hate John Cena, but we get it…he was a fan. I understand….just stop forcing it. Sometimes John Cena reminds me of that kid you meet freshman year of college who you like well enough, but you don’t always want to sit with him at dinner.
9:45 Del Rio is out without a car and he is pissed. Somebody stole his car! John Cena stole his car…guess what, there’s a lot o racial irony in this.
9:48 It’s so awesome that Ricardo just like lucked his way into this gig. Also, shut up Sal/Cena/Lawler/Booker/Cole. Also, what’s with the giant Alberto Del Rio head?
9:51 If someone tells me “I just stole your car, how does that make you feel?” and you don’t say “like the victim of a crime”, you answered wrong.
9:52 Do you think people in Mexico are flipping between the four channels, just so they can say they watched on all of them?
9:53 Ok there’s self deprecating and then there’s ucking annoying. We get it, Cena has a mixed reaction but when WWE gets all ” Oh he loves it” I wanna just scream. I like John Cena, I really do…but this is so annoying. I want less John Cena and more Jon Hamm. Save us Don Draper
9:55 I’d provide play by play, but let’s be honest…it’s a standard match so far.
9:59 I don’t know if I hate the You Cant Wrestle or You Fucked Up chant more.
10:03 This is what you’d expect. It isn’t bad, but I’m too tired to even make jokes. This is pretty..standard.
10:05 The top rope leg drop always looks awesome. It’s so contrived, but so delightful.
10:07 ADR hooks the cross armbreaker, and John Cena hits him with the Rampage slam The shock! Only everybody in MMA has ever done that!
10:08 John Cena wins, fuck…come on!
10:11 Triple H is going to win isn’t he?
10:12 Now it’s time for the main event of Night of Champions….it’s the only match without Champions…
10:16 The promo video is still going….
10:17 You would think Punk would invest in a real watch by now.
10:20 Triple H hasn’t evolved his entrance in a decade…
10:21 Pier Six Brawl, Donnybrook,etc. This culd be really fun depending on the outcome.
10:25 I love no dq matches, even though this guarantees us a shit finish. Sweet Knees by Punk and Irish Whips moments by HHH.
10:28 Triple H with a slingshot onto Punk into the stage. That was the move that made me think wrestling was a bit screwy. I ttried it on my brother and it didn’t work.
10:29 As they fight through the crowd, look for a plant that could attack Punk. Someone that looks suspicious… like a black guy in Buffalo that doesn’t play for the Bills.
10:30 Punk starts throwing duffel bags at HHH. LL BEAN DEATHMATCH!
10:31 I don’t like that HHH is being booked as the babyface in this.
10:34 This has been a pretty fun brawl. Exactly what I’d prefer from these two.
10:35 HOLY FUCK! CM PUNK ELBOW DROP FROM THE TOP ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE! ITS A SHOOT BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T MOVE THE MONITORS! AWWMAN
10:36 Spanish announce table is broke, but hey the viewers can always switch to one of the other four channels. Also, Awesome Truth run in and interfere!
10:37 Miz gives HHH a Skull Crushing Finale and puts CM Punk on him. HHH kicks out, BURIED!
10:38 Miz throws a punch at Scott Armstrong. SCOTT ARMSTRONG KNOCKS HIM DOWN! AWWMAN
10:40 HHH and Punk clear house and HHH hits the pedigree, but there is no ref. Johnny Ace stops the ref. Go JOHNNY ACE!
10:41 This is the dustiest finish ever. Did somebody hire Heyman back? So many falseies
10:42 PUNK KICKS OUT OF A SECOND PEDIGREE!
10:42 IT’S KEVIN NASH! WHERE IS TERRY GORDY! AWWMAN
10:43 DID MATT KENNEDY GOULD BOOK THIS? WHAT IS GOING ON?
10:45 Triple H wins a pedigree. Ughhhhh, awesome match and I can’t say I like the outcome, but I have faith in it. Punk took two pedigrees and a powerbomb.
10:46 PPV ends, ok it’s time for me to go watch Mad Men. Thanks for following us folks and don’t forget to drop us a line at email@example.com
I hope you enjoyed it with all the contributions from Ben Pasco, Bryan Hughes and Alex Fitzgerald.
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