I’m watching the WWE On Demand version of this show so my tape starts off with Mean Gene talking about ECW and Paul Heyman. Sooo fucking odd.
The intro could not be full of more old fucks. I spotted Don Muraco and Ivan Koloff.
The show starts off with Stevie Wonderful and Jay Sulli letting us know that they will be calling the action. No Joey Styles sadly.
Sulli is wearing a lovely piss colored bow-tie and cumberbund emsomble tonight.
Jimmy Suka and Road Warrior Hawk will be the opening contest tonight for the ECW TV Title. What is this, I don’t even.
Some kids walk in front of the camera and are pushed away by some dickbag in a headset.
Road Warrior Hawk then walks out for a promo. And fuckballs is he coked up.
He’s talking about how he hates promoters and empty elevators, I have no fucking idea what’s going on.
Tonight also will feature Terry Funk vs Dark Patiot.
Paul E. is backstage with heel Snuka. Jimmy Snuka’s “brotha” count in this promo – 3.
What makes this version of the show even better is the dubbed in WWE stock music.
Wow, Bob Artese was the ring announcer for longer than I thought.
The ECW commentary team are now talking about how “ripped the athletes are”. I….
The referees are also wearing the traditional WWF referee attire.
Snuka’s working chickenshit heel and it’s awesome.
The commentary team proves how much dogshit they are as they discuss Snuka’s barefootednedd against Hawk’s biker shoes. OMYGAWD!
Fuckballs! Hawk charges the ringpost and pretty much eats it. That white angel will do a number to your brain.
Somewhat stiff chair to the back! E-C-Dub~!
Hawk punches himself a few times in the face because cocaine.
Heyman breaks up the pin with a phone shot and DQ’s Hawk.
Hawk hould Paul E. up for what felt like forever because Eddie Gilbert missed his run-in que.
Gilbert is then followed by Paul Muraco and The Dark Patriot.
Old school Memphis fireball to Hawk!
A match between The Super Destroyers and the team of Christopher Candido and Johnathan Hotbody with some schmuck manager.
The commentary team is FUCKING ABYSMAL. Good fucking lord. The only thing I want to hear out of their mouths is death rattles that were induced after their throats were slit.
Up next is an Eddie Gilbert promo where he is outside talking about how dirty Terry Funk is.
This is followed by Gilbert coming out to face Portugal’s Herve’ Rinesto in a Texas Chain Match “Demonstration”.
Heyman let us know that Dark Patriot turned heel backstage.
Rinesto looks like the love child of Little Mac from Punch Out and Baron Von Rasche.
Rinesto’s chain falls off mid-match and is put back on.
Snuka and Muraco are out to support Gilbert. I guess if he needs to kill a hooker or do a fuckton of cocaine, he at least has backup.
What’s more boring than a squash match? A texas chain squash match.
When asked by Gilbert who the King of Philly was, Renesto responds with “MRRRRRRRHURRRRFFFFRRRRRRRRR”.
Terry Funk promo where he talks about how Gilbert is a critter and O is a Japanese fella and all of that.
An old school surfer Sandman vs Rockin’ Rebel hype package is played.
Footage of Peaches getting stripped is also played.
You know what folks. I…I can’t take it. It has taken me a month to try to complete this, and I’m tapping out. This is worse than Heroes of fuckin’ Wrestling. Yes, I said it, and yes, it’s true. At least watching a shitty PPV has at least one or two gems, but this has no and I repeat no redeeming qualities. At least I can close this dark chapter of my life now. Speaking of dark, my next review will be the Urban Wrestling Federation PPV.
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