Fuck Baseball (since November, 2004), Fuck Hockey (Since Anson Carter stopped playing), Fuck Football (Since the Patriots got boring for me to root for), Fuck Soccer (since I’m American), and Fuck Nascar (Since WCW stopped airing the weekly Mark Martin in the WCW car reports).
I miss the NBA.
For those of you who are Clueless (Elise Donovan), the National Basketball Association is undergoing its second lockout in the past twelve years. I’m not going to pontificate about who is the right party in this scenario. Each side has its merits, such as the owners saying they are losing money, and the players saying that the owners should stop spending so much money on shitty players. Both meritious arguments. I think we can all agree that denying the world Blake Griffin slam dunks, Kevin Garnett excessive intensity, and Charles Barkley analysis is guaranteed to get you a spot on Santa’s naughty list. As it stands now, it looks like the lockout could last anywhere from next week to next year. If the lockout continues for a long time, the players are going to need a cash influx to help out their livelihoods. Many athletes have a support system for numerous family members, and so with a lack of income also comes a lack of… well, that money money yeah yeah. How can these athletes support their families?
The NBA athletes need money, and professional wrestling loves having people from legitimate sports in it. There is so much money in this idea that I feel like I’m going to start throwing up duckets. They can come in, be all awesome and athletic and take the money to feed their families. Much like Tommy Rich, I don’t want to see no owners take any food out of any baby’s mouth. Just imagine the possibilities if the wrestling world started scooping up NBA players. (Insert Dream sequence here)
Paul Pierce joining the WWE and challenging for the world title. Let’s say it was against John Cena in Los Angeles, because that wouldn’t be absurd at all. Of course, before the match Pierce is mysteriously attacked before the match and forced to find a substitute. Paul Pierce obviously chooses his Celtics teammate Kevin Garnett who storms to the ring like Brusier Brody except wearing a suit. Kevin Garnett is the only man who is more terrifying when he’s dressed to impress, because it just looks like he’s dressed to kill. Kevin Garnett would make Chris Benoit’s intensity look like Terri Shiavo’s. Is there anybody more serious about being scary then Kevin Garnett? Even Jason Voorhees has to tell KG to tone it down a bit. Of course, Pierce chooses to accompany his teammate down to ringside from the confines of a wheelchair, due to his serious injury at all. Just when it appears as though Cena has victory in hand, the referee is knocked down Pierce enters the ring and proves that he is in fact completely fine. He then stabs John Cena with a knife proving that Paul Pierce has an impressive knowledge of wrestling history, as well as an unimpressive sense of irony. (John Cena and Paul Pierce both got stabbed in Boston nightclubs)
Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian making their way to the WWE as a duo. Can you imagine the total amount of hatred this power couple would garner? By power couple I mean, the kind of power couple where the girl is a total sex symbol and the guy plays for the Nets. This dynamic duo could give Sable and Marc Mero a run for their money in the two halves does not equal a whole category. I eagerly anticipate Kardashian dumping Humphries after their WWE run and then marrying UFC fighter Jon Bones Jones. I do feel bad for Sable’s vagina though, for real.
Brian Scalabrine and Sheamus being in the same place at the same time. The Irish/American Pales.
Lebron James wrestling and giving Skip Bayless a heart attack. I hate Lebron, but I hate Skip Bayless significantly more. Skip is a real life sports troll who just hates all over the place on Lebron. If Lebron turned to pro wrestling then Skip would have an aneurysm while calling him a disgrace in the middle of his absurd pontification. Skip Bayless is like Michael Cole except real and inexplicably respected.
Blake Griffin. This is a default answer to any question ranging from who’s your favorite basketball player to what’s your favorite Vietnamese restaurant. Blake Superior is a go to answer for all questions. Imagine him in Dragon Gate USA tossing around Ricochet, or in Chikara alleyooping to Sugar Dunkerton. The man is a national treasure, and not the shitty kind that Nicolas Cage is always looking for.
Michael Hayes having panic attacks backstage.
Rey Mysterio Jr and Greg Oden attempting to merge into one super being. Of course, their attempt at becoming a modern day Master Blaster would just lead to the old riddle of what has 8 limbs and one good knee.
Metta World Peace.
General Managers attempting to become pro wrestling managers. Can you imagine Isaiah Thomas managing superstars, or even David Kahn? They’d make Mr. Fuji look like he wasn’t the worst general manager of all time. For real though, I bet if the Minnesota Timberwolves won the NBA Championship that David Kahn would immediately let them defend against Hulk Hogan. That reminds me, Hulk Hogan sucks. I have no transition into Hogan, but I hate the looks people give me when I say I hate Hogan. My generation grew up with Hollywood Hogan, so Hulkster’s backlash is getting more brutal as the generation gap closes in on him.
Darko Militec making us long for El Gigante. What a dream match this would have been between two incredibly disappointing athletes. Darko Militec and El Gigante would have made a great tag team vying for zee belts. I plan on interviewing Darko someday and asking if he likes what happened to Brian Pillman.
TNA trying to capitalize on WWE singings but bringing in the hot rookie prospect known as Dikembe Mutombo. Who will sex Mutombo tonight?
Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the potential glory. I don’t ask for much in return for my pitch. Actually, if their agents or friends read this, all I ask for is a seat next to either Bill Simmons at a Clippers game, or Spike Lee at a Knicks game as a reward. I do really miss the NBA, and I hope that the lockout either ends soon or that NBA players risk their careers for my enjoyment.
Until then, keep your stick on the ice and your eyes in the skies.
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