It’s Raining Movies: Dead Tides starring Roddy Piper and Tawny Kitaen

I know what you’re thinking, how could a movie starring Roddy Piper, Tawney Kitaen and the dude who played Kano in Mortal Kombat not be entertaining? Surely it has to be so bad it’s good, right? Unfortunately the movie is so bad, it’s bad.

Dead Tides tells the breathtaking story of people sailing boats to deliver drugs. Roddy Piper is an ex coast guard member turned drunk Ship Captain,  Tawny plays the sassy Femme Fatale married to a Mexican drug lord named Juan ( played by a guy named Juan), some blonde broad plays Roddy Piper’s “ girlfriend/”just friend” and Kano plays Roddy’s romantic rival for that nameless blonde girl.  I had so many problems with this movie, but let’s start with the three positives.

WHAT I LIKED

  1. Piper isn’t a bad actor in this movie. Roddy has never been awful in a movie and despite this movie being absolutely dreadful, he’s pretty decent in it. He’s also jacked as hell for some reason and considering this was 1997 color me impressed. Also color me green, I wish to be Reptar.
  2. Kano from Street Fighter got work. Thank god for small miracles.
  3. There are breasts in the movie.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE

  1. This movie had more awkward sex scenes then The Room. At one point Roddy and Tawny are just going at it in the shower covered in bubble bath soap? Who actually takes the time to clean themselves when they’re having shower sex?  You ain’t supposed to get clean when you’re getting dirty. Shouldn’t he be more focused on making her forget all about David Coverdale
  2. Tawny Kitaen decided she has too much dignity to get naked . Somehow she’s willing to deliver more forced dialogue then a hostage at gunpoint, but yet she refuses to get naked. The other broad has a completely random nude scene, but Miss Kitaen is a thespian damnit. She can fuck the shit out of the hood of a car, but baring her breasts is just classless.
  3. Kano at one point pushes his girlfriend into the water and beats up Roddy Piper. In the next scene he confronts Piper again and asks his girlfriend to marry him. She says maybe. WHAT KIND OF ABUSIVE SHIT IS THIS? He should have just finished her.
  4. I’ve never seen so many Mexican bad guy stereotypes in my life. If you are foreign in this movie you are in a mariachi band, or you have slicked back hair and sunglasses.
  5. The bad guy in this movie is like somebody watched Space Mutiny, and then they watched “The Room and then they decided to act.  Jeezie Creezie, I don’t think English is this guy’s first, second, or third language.
  6. Every 30 minutes Roddy Piper would narrate something. It’s as if they kept forgetting they opened with a voiceover and had to throw it in there to keep some sense of continuity.
  7. Our protagonist pretty much abandons his girlfriend to be with Tawny Kitaen and treats his lady like crap. In the end Roddy and Tawny sail away together and Kano get’s to perform special maneuvers on the blond girl. Thus provin that Roddy Piper can find himself a good girl, but still be addicted to the hoodrats.

Final Verdict: This movie sucked. Fuck you Netflix Instant.

Check back soon for Ben Pasco’s review of the cinematic gem known as Backyard Dogs.

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