It’s Raining Movies: Ben Pasco watches Backyard Dogs

This movie literally made me start drinking. I was hanging out at my friend Lindsey’s house and she’s as much of an aficionado for bad cinema as I am so I figured she’d enjoy this. 30 minutes into this movie the vodka was opened and the blue drink came out of the fridge. This movie sucks harder than a vacuum powered prostitute. This movie sucks so much that Tim Tebow would became an atheist if he realized his god had allowed this filth to be created. Are you getting the feeling I hated this?

WHAT I LIKED

Zack the Black Power Ranger is awesome. If there was a class about making the best of s shitty situation, he should teach it. He took every line of dialogue and he ran with it like he was Marlon Brando cast in Laurence Oliver’s biopic.

Frankie Kazarian makes a cameo.

Hayabusa does a moonsault.

WHAT I DISLIKED

Fucking Everything.

The opening of the movie is the worst nu metal song ever, and that’s including the entire Limp Bizkit discography.  It’s just this goddamn forever alone screaming the phrase “backyard dogs” over and over again. GG Allin has more musical talent in his shit covered forearm then these guys do in an entire band. In fact, this is the kind of music that even GG Allin would think kind of sucked…and he wrote a song called “Die when you die”.

It’s implied that wrestling is fake, but Backyard Wrestling is real? Are you kidding me Pam? Then, later in the movie all of a sudden wrestling is real until it’s a shoot and then they shoot o each other with back flips and such. Fuck this movie.

Also, somehow this movie wants to imply that this is where the real heart and soul of wrestling is.

Generations of people are going to look back on this and think of Hayabusa as “that dude in the shitty wrestling movie”. Why is Hayabusa in this? And why is he in his gear all the time…even when he’s just practicing a match?

Shelley Martinez is in it, but she’s wearing a top.

This is one of those movies about the internet, made before people knew what the internet was. There are a lot of buzzwords like cyberspace, streaming video, hits, World Wide Web, etc. It’s like they just played a mad libs with pretentious ways to say “Hey people watched this thing”.

The female hero’s great plan to get the backyard dogs famous is to appeal to women. That’s right; there is apparently an underground movement of women who love backyard wrestling.

At one point the sleazy promoter mentions what a huge crowd they have.  The crowd was 25 people. Drunk on a bet you can draw 25 people.

I’m just too mad. I’m sorry Zack, but fuck this movie.

I need another drink

1/10, for Goldar never showing up to get revenge.

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