RR Week: Alex Fitzgerald’s Guide To Random Royal Rumble Entries

Random Royal Rumble Entries – A Written Guide
by Alex Fitzgerald

You know, it’s very hard to fill a match with thirty competent people. If this list doesn’t prove that fact, I don’t know what will. For the record, I tried to stray from people that were actually on the roster at the time, and went for the one-offs. The guys brought in when Paul Roma had a bad case of the liquid shits. So, here is a little guide to these men and women. Without them, we may have just had a blank spot in the Rumble, and a blank hole in our hearts.

  • 1988 – Sam Houston – Not only was it Sam Houston, but he also lasted nearly fifteen minutes.
  • 1989 – Ron Garvin – Former NWA mainstay gets taken out by Andre The Giant in a minute and a half.
  • 1991 – Saba Simba – The insensitive Tony Atlas gimmick enters at number seven and gets chucked by Rick Martel.
  • 1991 – Shane Douglas – Before his Dynamic transformation, he lasted twenty-six minutes. Which is the same amount of time as a lunch break at Target.
  • 1993 – Terry Taylor – The former Red Rooster gets put in his place in half a minute.
  • 1993 – Damian Demento – The man from The Outer Reaches Of Your Mind is eliminated by Carlos Colon of all people.
  • 1993 – Carlos Colon – Like I said above, Carlos Colon of all people.
  • 1994 – Great Kabuki – Looked around as saggy as Mae Young did at the 2000 Rumble.
  • 1995 – Dick Murdoch – The only open member of the KKK to be entered in a Rumble.
  • 1996 – Dory Funk Jr. – Nothing like having a former NWA champion get eliminated by Savio Vega.
  • 1996 – Takao Ōmori – Random AJPW talent FTW!
  • 1996 – Doug Gilbert – Won a USWA rumble to get i- JERRY LAWLER RAPED A LITTLE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL.
  • 1996 – Samoan Swat Team #1 – Fat fuck gets chucked out in a minute. His back-up plan?
  • 1996 – Samoan Swat Team #2 – He brings out his identical twin and they both get eliminated even faster than before.
  • 1997 – Mil Mascaras – Legendary luchador eliminates himself since he didn’t want to put anyone over.
  • 1998 – Tom Brandi – Gets dumped by Cactus Jack and Terry Funk who was wearing pantyhose on his head in twelve seconds.
  • 1999 – Chyna – First woman in the rumble. Now has battle royals inside her cunt on video.
  • 1999 – Mabel – After his elimination, he was subsequently brainwashed and turned into Viscera. You know, for the kids.
  • 2000 – Bob Backlund – The best way to promote a campaign for Congress is to be in the same ring with a guy named after a penis piercing.
  • 2001 – Drew Carey – His two minutes of standing in the ring posing garnered him a spot in the WWE Hall of Fame. For the record, Randy Savage is still not in.
  • 2001 – Haku – The namesake for this fine site came out with a bitchin’ afro. On top of that, he was still the WCW Hardcore Champion at the time of his entry.
  • 2003 – B-2 – The rappin’ best friend of John Cena gets his shit wrecked by Edge in half a minute.
  • 2004 – Ernest Miller – SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA. NO, REALLY, BENOIT RIPPED HIS MANAGER’S HAIR OFF AND I’M AFRAID HE’LL KILL HIM NOW.
  • 2004 – Mr. Ass – The return of Billy Gunn got the same reaction a pigeon shitting on your car would of gotten if it was shown on the titantron.
  • 2005 – Daniel Puder – Winner of Tough Enough gets the bejesus chopped out of him by respected vets Benoit, Guerrero, and….Bob Holly?
  • 2005 – Johnathan Coachman – The Coach makes his one off appearance in the Rumble. You don’t have commentators in these things more than once.
  • 2005 – Vince McMahon’s quads – Never were officially in the match, but boy did they get taken out.
  • 2006 – Johnathan Coachman – Fuck.
  • 2007 – The Sandman – ECW mainstay gets fucked up, enters through the crowd and gets chucked by Booker T in thirteen seconds.
  • 2009 – Rob Van Dam – His surprise return included him botching everything except breathing.
  • 2011 – Tyler Reks – Everyone’s favorite pilot gets taken out by the Nexus quickly.
  • 2012 – Only time will tell.
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