I didn’t want it to come to this.
As some of you are aware, I make it my goal to watch every single Royal Rumble before that year’s incarnation. As of this writing I knocked off the first decade of Rumbles, but now I am stranded on an island of misery very reminiscent of the television show Lost. I made that analogy because of all the numbers and the fact wrestling/Lost was “supposed to be about the characters”. Fuck that. The point is that now I find myself staring at what many feel is the worst Royal Rumble Match of all time.
The 1999 Royal Rumble.
To give everybody a heads up on what was going on in this time period, the main feud was still Austin vs. McMahon. Vince was forced into the Rumble at number 2, and Austin was slotted at number 1. However, Vince put a 100,000 bounty on anybody who would eliminate Steve Austin from the Royal Rumble. Trust me; it was such a better idea in theory
Luckily I have my good buddy Alex Fitzgerald with me on this fine Tuesday morning to sit with me and watch this monstrosity unfold. It’s been a long time coming, but it’s time for the return of Deep Hurting!
00:00 We’re off and running here at the Royal Rumble as The Fink begins his standard introduction. According to a sign in the crowd, Robert Gibbs Says hello. Speaking of signs, there’s been at least twenty 4:20 signs spotted so far. That just goes to show you that wrestling fans are forever alones no matter what the decade. I did pop for the random sign that says “Wanna see a weasel, put a snake in the Whitehouse”. For dexterity Fitz is eating Ben and Jerry’s cheesecake brownie ice-cream.
00:01 It feels like the explanation of the Royal Rumble takes so long. It seems to last longer than the runs of half the dudes in it. Even with all that explanation and complication, these rules are still more simple then the new NFL playoff rules.
00:02 Our first entrant is Stone Cold Steve Austin. This was Austin at the height of his popularity and the crowd is losing it over him. Fitz “He’s better than The Rock, Hogan, and Flair. I defy you to name somebody better then Austin.” Stone Cold is very confused by an absurdly lifelike drawing of himself killing Vince McMahon in the front row.
00:03 HOLY SHIT! IT’S JACKED VINCE! Vince McMahon is entrant number 2 and he looks like he’s in better shape than Austin. Holy crap! Vince kind of kills the illusion when you realize that his pants are higher than Ferb of Disney Channel’s Phineas and Ferb. Austin 3:16 says you’re a fucking Platypus.
00:04 Jerry Lawler commentary implies a desire to fuck Vince. That is all.
00:05 In what can’t be much of a shocker, Austin is kicking Vince’s ass. At one point Austin panders to the crowd before he does the old “should I stomp him in the balls” move. Has anybody ever declined seeing a CEO kicked in his netheregions? Fitz “The only thing worse than getting kicked in the dick, is KNOWING you’re about to get kicked in the dick.”
00:05 Why is there a Mexican 3:16 Sign in the crowd?
00:06 Golga comes out in his bad mask, bad gear, and lame Cartman shirt. It really shows where we were as a society in 1999. I had no idea Golga was Earthquake until after Earthquake died. Dude had to play; two weather related gimmicks, a shark, and a guy with disabilities. John Tenta had range Dammit. Golga is out; it took me years before I realized Golga was Earthquake.
00:07 Golga is quickly eliminated while Austin and McMahon brawl through the crowd amongst the sea of dudes who made their wrestling shirts into tanktops. Not sleeveless, tanktops. Vince staggers into the Women’s bathroom to escape Austin. Austin follows and is attacked by Test and Shamrock. Why are Shamrock and Test in the woman’s bathroom and how many women were sexually assaulted? I mean honestly, that’s just gross.
00:09 While Austin is laid out in the Lady pee palace, Edge and Droz are doing battle in the ring. It’s crazy that Road Warrior Droz looks like what would have happened if Animal and Hawk fucked one lonely night in Chicago. This was the early Edge days when his idea of charisma was yelling like he was in a band on Warped Tour.
00:10 GILLBERG! I forgot he was in this. Best Rumble Ever. I’d put money on Gillberg being the greatest wrestling gimmick ever done to mock another wrestler.
00:12 We lost Gillberg via a quick Elimination, but we’re getting Steve Blackman! Fitz “Steve Blackman is Dan Severn with Judo” . King of Trios needs Steve Blackman, Danny Glover, and Mel Gibson as Team Lethal Weapon. Also, reunite X Factor please.
00:13 They keep cutting back to Austin passed out on the tile in the restroom. To give you an idea of how long ago this way, Teddy Long is still a referee. If he was a GM back then I’m sure he would have made this a tag team match by now featuring DA UNDATAKA.
00:14 Lock up you daughters, Dan Severn is entrant number 6 and he refuses to take off his shirt. Judging by the stains he refuses to wash it. Severn and Steve Blackman are going to war in the ring!
00:15 Me and Fitz are pissed that the cameras keep cutting back to Austin passed out on the tile. This is why the Attitude era sucked; we want to see Blackman and Severn invent MMA in the ring.
00:16 Jinder Mahal Sr., Tiger Ali Singh, is out at number 9. The cameras must have been taken over by TLC as we are treated to more footage of Austin receiving medical care.
00:17 Tiger Ali Singh was so lame.
00:18 The Blue Meanie is out next? What is going on? All I know is that Blue Meanie is representing The Job Squad and I couldn’t be happier. I may be one of the only Job Squad marks in the world, but I wear that badge with both honor and shame. For the record the current Royal Rumble consists of Droz, Edge, Blue Meanie, Tiger Ali Singh, Steve Blackman, and Dan Severn.
00:19 Number 11 is….nobody. I hate when they do that.
00:19 My bad, as it appears that Mabel enters the Royal Rumble after attacking Mosh. I don’t understand how you can legally enter a battle royal simply to walking to the ring, but then again I have time on my hands. Fitz “Mabel is dressed for his own funeral. He clearly died of obesity”
00:20 Mabel starts eliminating everybody including Dan Severn and Steve Blackman. We’re twenty minutes in and the best parts of the Rumble are already gone. At least Road Dogg is out now.
00:22 As Road Dogg fights Mabel, the power goes out. Either Sable is coming or Gabe Sapolsky is getting a lot of angry tweets tomorrow. The Ministry appears and beats up Mabel. There’s something soothing about somebody getting beaten up while Undertaker’s music places. Undertaker is out now and I’m assuming this is revenge for Mabel squashing his face all those years ago.
00:23 Fitz:”Undertaker is wearing a snuggie”
00:23 One lone referee attempts to stop the beat down of Mabel. He clearly affects Faarooq though who ends up tripping over the staging.
00:24 Gangrel is out next, though it had to have been awkward to walk past the brawling Ministry on the way through the Gorilla Position. I’m sure it’s no problem for our favorite fanged porn director. I’m sure he’ll have a good run.
00:25 Gangrel has been eliminated.
00:26 Special needs Kurrgan is the next entrant into the ring wearing one of those Swinger Girl hats from the show Recess. To give you how old this is, there’s a members.tripod.com sign in the crowd. Speaking of old, There is also a “Sable is Old” sign. My personal pick for sign of the night is the dude in a turban holding a “Ryan Likes Men” sign. Classic.
00:28 Al Snow is in the match next. This was back when I liked him. I greatly prefer Al Snow when he was wrestling crazy and not crazy about any of THESE KIDS TODAY THAT CAN’T WORK.
00:29 Al Snow gets eliminated by Road Dogg after the worst strategy in Rumble history. He attempted to eliminate Kurrgan by leveraging his body over the top rope. Somehow it must be the fault of THE KID TODAY THAT CAN’T WORK.
00:29 Watching this match makes me hope WWE puts Road Dogg in the Rumble as a special appearance. The dude was so over and so awesome back in the day and never gets the proper love he deserves.
00:30 Goldust is our next entrant with facepaint that makes it look like a chinstrap. If there was a hall of fame for awful gear to wrestle in Goldust’s would be a first ballot. Just watching him wrestle in it makes me uncomfortable.
00:31 The Godfather is our next entrant with his fat jacked, 70s Lucha body. He’s also wearing an awesome jacket. Fitz “You have to be a dedicated lady to let your pimp be a witch doctor”.
00:32 Attitude Era sucked.
00:33 Lights are out again, FUCK YOU GABE YOU RUINED ECW!!!!!
00:33 I’m just kidding, its Kane back when he could only afford on sleeve. I always regret not going as businessman Kane for Halloween one year. I was going to cut one sleeve off a suit and buy an old Kane Mask and it was going to rule.
00:34 Kane enters the ring and eliminates everybody in the match. I’m surprised Kane doesn’t already have the all time record for Royal Rumble eliminations, seeing as he throws out the entire ring ever year.
00:35 Orderlies come out and attempt to put Kane in a straightjacket. I guess Kane pissed off Vince and is going to be sent back to the asylum. Kane runs away from them after chokeslamming a couple. I’m sure that Kane will be able to blend into the streets and that nobody will notice him. There’s a million Large Red People running around California. Giant Apache joke.
00:36 The Ring is empty. It’s all coming back to me why this Rumble sucked so badly.
00:37 Ken Shamrock is the next entrant, and he is in full on heel mode. You can tell he’s a heel because he has stubble. Vince is back out too and has decided to sit in on commentary.
00:38 Billy Gunn comes out limping and with one shoe on. I guess Shamrock screwed up his ankle earlier in the night so it’s a nice touch for him to be out half barefoot. I always thought Billy Gunn got a bad rap by fans. Personally, I can’t think of a dude who was better at bumping and feeding for babyfaces then Billy Gunn. Look up clips of that dude taking stunners and Chokeslams, they ruled.
00:40 Test is out and look at how pretty he is. Oh that’s right you can’t because they cut back to Mabel getting beat up and put in a hearse. I forgot it’s not called the Royal Rumble; it’s called the Royal Cuttothebacktostuffwithcars. Speaking of cars, Stone Cold is back and he is driving an ambulance. I’m glad people in Anaheim are dying on their floors because Stone Cold is selfish enough to win the Royal Rumble.
00:41 Austin comes out and chases Vince just as The Big Bossman enters the fray. Austin eliminates Shamrock before he starts choking Bossman. What is with people trying to strangle The Big Bossman?
00:43 HHH is our next entrant with his weird multicolored gear. At one point Billy Gunn just punches Austin and the crowd freaks out. Even with how over DX was, they did not want to see anybody pull one over on Austin in this match.
00:44 Number 24 is Val Venis. I’m sure when he’s eliminated he’ll blame Matt Hardy.
00:45 Billy Gunn gets eliminates and avoids the apron and goes straight to the floor. I absolutely adore when people are eliminated like that. Despite Billy Gunn’s elimination, this rumble is sucking hard. I think any Rumble that doesn’t get filled with guys ends up getting remembered as a really bad Rumble.
00:46 The next entrant is Xpac. On commentary Michael Cole notes that “at 210 pounds Xpac was the lightest competitor in Royal Rumble history”. Holy shit has wrestling changed.
00:48 It’s time for some Sexual Chocolate, as the World’s Strongest Aficionado of Transgendered People Mark Henry enters the fray. Mark doesn’t seem too concerned with Stone Cold though. I got to say, that I loved the idea of a bounty on Austin, but they didn’t really do anything with it. Only Golga really went out of his way to collect the bounty and he was a simpleton.
00:50 Jeff Jarrett is out with Debra. Let’s be honest, if you take away those breasts of hers then she’s waiting outside of Southern Wrestling shows waiting to give Robert Gibson a handy.
00:51 Xpac randomly hits HHH. I know it’s weird to make a note of it, but it happened for no apparent reason and the announcers just glossed it over. Did this accidently plant the seeds for the HHH heel turn that year?
00: 52 Chest Protector D’lo Brown is out now accompanied by the Pretty Mean Sisters. This was in the midst of that dumb angle where D’Lo cost Terri Runnels her baby. According to sources, D’Lo Brown is sorry he ruined your pregnancy and he’s not going to apologize no more damn times Terri….oh I’m sorry…wrong Terry and wrong Gangsta.
00:53 Test and Xpac have been eliminated. Just thought you would like to know.
00:53 I forgot that the main WWF heel stable was called The Corporate Team. What an awful name for a group of bad guys. That shit sucked. What didn’t suck is the RSPW SIGN IN THE CROWD! I think we all just hit 1990s Wrestling sign BINGO on that one.
00:54 Owen Hart in his finest school crossing gear is in the ring now. As Owen enters, Austin leaves and throws a pitcher of water at Vince for no real reason. How Juvenile.
00:56 Chyna is our final entrant in this year’s Rumble and man was she over. She had to have had the worst boobs of all time though. Bad Boob All Stars.
00:57 Chyna eliminates Mark Henry easily before getting eliminated by Austin. The Mark Henry elimination looked like Henry basically threw himself out of the ring. God Bless Mark for becoming awesome. As for her elimination, Stone Cold Steve Austin gives zero fucks about the location of your genitals.
00:58 Val Venis and HHH have both been eliminated.
00:59 If Austin eliminates himself, does he get the 100,000?
1:01 This is incredibly boring. Austin catches Owen’s leg and gets met with an enziguri. How you gonna let a man paralyze you then fall for his classic trick. Poor form Steve, Poor form.
1:03 Hart, Brown, and Bossman are all eliminated in quick succession which leaves just Austin and Vince. Austin runs out and starts beating Vince up on the outside.
1:05 Austin absolutely murders Vince McMahon with a chairshot. That explains all the WWE continuity problems, Vince just forgot them.
1:06 Vince lowblows Austin, which has to be the 15th I’ve seen in this match. That’s what the late 90s were about kids.
1:08 I feel like the finish of the rumble is lasting longer then my showers. Take that as either a comment on my hygiene and or this match’s length.
1:11 McMahon eliminates Austin, and Michael Cole has a coronary. We hated this, please support our site and make it worth our while
Ben and Fitz.
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