RR Week : El Pasco Texas: Dead or God at the Royal Rumble.

Matt Foster: When Ben Pasco approached me to write this forward, I was honored, I mean who better to write an intro to a piece about the dead vs god game in the Royal Rumble than me?  I was one of the creators of the game that started as a drinking game with the 1992 Royal Rumble Yes, it might be offensive to some that we take sides of dead wrestler vs wrestler who found god or sometimes both (those are the ones nobody wants to drink for)  but all in all, it’s good fun.  We still mourn those who have been lost in the years since the match itself but let’s face it, who wouldn’t get a kick out of a game like this?  The moral of this story is simple, when it’s January and you’re on a college campus in an area that probably shouldn’t be inhabited by man due to the unbelievable amount of snow, wind, and ice that you get you need to do something to pass the time and this was better and safer than trying to walk to a bar.  Enjoy Ben’s piece and always remember, when you play dead vs god you must keep Matthew Foster in mind.

El Pasco Texas: Dead or God at the Royal Rumble.

Ben Pasco: As pathetic, strange or childish it may seem, I legitimately am in a better mood every January when I realize the Royal Rumble is right around the corner. I love the surprise, I love the timed intervals, I love the SNES game of the same name, and I love it all. Without a doubt, it’s my absolute favorite wrestling event. Every year I sit back and take the time to watch every Royal Rumble. As of this writing I am just wrapping up 1996 and preparing myself to walk through the hellish Rumbles of the late 1990s before I get to the earl 2000 glory days.  To me the Royal Rumble is a snapshot of WWF/WWE at that time. You get a small sense of what society was like at that time. Also, there’s really awful gear most years.

But this isn’t an article designed to invoke good feelings or discuss our favorite memories. This article is about a game I wish I had invented. I’ve been friends with Ben Gordon and Matt Foster (CSTCNetwork.com) since I first discovered Ring of Honor in about 2005. I became buddies with them over AIM, because back in those days that’s what you did when nobody you knew liked wrestling. Right as I was entering college, they were leaving college and so as I grew up we traded stories about college times and the fun we had.

Oe night I was told about Dead or God.

Dead or God is a drinking game that rivals no other drinking game.  The story goes, that one night at SUNY: Oswego Ben, Foster, and their friends created this game while watching The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection. The rules are quite simple and quite amazing. One team is deemed Dead, one team is deemed God. The rules are simple, and magnificent.

Dead drinks when a Dead wrestler enters the Royal Rumble.

God drinks when a Born Again Christian wrestler enters the Royal Rumble.

Best Game Ever.

My mind was blown when I heard about this game, I just couldn’t believe it. I immediately attempted to convince my friends to play, but the idea of sitting for an hour while dudes punch and kick wasn’t exactly appealing to their sensibilities. So the years went on and I always forget about the game until Rumble time comes around. Even though I never played, I’ve always had Dead or God in the back of my mind watching the Rumbles, but this year I have a website and a platform to share with the world…wide…web. I have decided to arrange a battle between Dead or God to determine who the superior team was in 2012. I have decided that the best way to determine this is to examine the first 5 Royal Rumbles and find out who truly dominates,  Dead or God.

Here are the rules I have set in this game.

  1. Only born again Christians count as God. I’m sure Tito Santana is really into Jesus and Selena, but only those who sinned then miraculously made money with a conscience are part of the God team. Let he without sin, not have a drink taken as he enters the Royal Rumble.
  2. You have to still be a born again Christian and not fall of the wagon faster than Calvin and Hobbs. Also known as the Jake Roberts rule.
  3. Hulk Hogan isn’t on God’s team because he is the devil.
  4. You can be Dead and God at the same time.
  5. I researched all the Gods in the Royal Rumbles and only the ones I could find proof of counted. If the government is watching our emails then they’re probably confused as to why I googled “Boris Zhukov Jesus”

1988

For the record, I don’t think 1988 isn’t even a real rumble. The fact that it was 20 guys makes it a travesty on par with the cancellation of How to be a Gentleman. I consider that more of the Royal Rumble pilot, rather than an actual Rumble…it required some recasting before it really picked up steam. In my eyes, 1988 Royal Rumble was basically just a battle royal with guys who were really late getting to the ring and they all just happened to show up 2 minutes behind each other. However, I figure 1988 is a good place to start the game, I mean there has to be a goldmine of bodies and bibles in this one.

Dead: 2 (Junkyard Dog, Dino Bravo)

God:2 (B Brian Blair, Ron Bass)

Wow, I can’t believe how undepressing the 1988 Royal Rumble is. I can’t believe how disappointed I am that somany are my heroes are alive. I refuse to let the first DvG battle end in a draw so allow me to look at the other participants and make a ruling.Personally,  I think that the match comes down to Don Muraco, Harley Race and Sam Houston. I believe that Dead really dropped the ball by letting Sam Houston somehow live after all the shit he’s been into over the years. I’m not saying I want Sam Houston dead, but the dude drives under the influence weekly. However, I believe neither God nor Dead should benefit from Harley Race. Death couldn’t kill Harley, and I don’t think God had anything to do with saving him either. When Harley Race gets to heaven, he’s going to potato God and bust his

He has 1970s tattoos. Those are the the toughest!

eyebrow wide open. Well I guess it comes down to Don Muraco. Don Muraco gives God the edge and the win. Why? Because divine inspiration had to have been needed for Don Muraco to beat a jobber while eating a meatball sub.

God: 1

Dead: 0

1989

Now we’re finally ready to start the glory days of the Royal Rumble. This year is notable for the Big John Studd victory and also as the  last year Ted Dibiase drew a good number. The angle this year was that Dibiase had bought number 30, but in later years his portfolio must have dwindled seeing as he drew 1, 2, and 5.This year is also notable for Hulk Hogan being the biggest cheater ever. Hulk Hogan eliminates Randy Savage “accidently” and then gets eliminated by The Twin Towers. However, Hogan is so incensed that he was legally eliminated from the Royal Rumble that he attacks both members of the team and acts like a paper bitch. Fuck you Hulk Hogan, sometimes I wish I could drink when you came to the ring.

Dead : 7 (Andre the Giant, Mr. Perfect, The Big Bossman, Bad News Brown, Randy Savage, Big John Studd, Hercules)

God:8 (Greg Valentine, Marty Jannetty, Ted Dibiase, Tully Blanchard, Ron Bass, Shawn Michaels, The Red Rooster, Brutus Beefcake)

Faces of Fear: 2 (Haku, Barbarian)

God takes the victory in what has to be the most depressing/most inspiring Royal Rumble of all time.   It’s  ridiculous that half of the Royal Rumble competitors in 1989 induce shots of alcohol when they enter the ring. My mind was blown when I found out Ron Bass was a born again Christian, because I’m pretty sure the 11th commandment was about not stabbing people with your boot spurs.

Looking at these teams, I think it’s safe to say that a fight between all the combatants would be legendary.  Andre is the big factor for the Dead team, but years of decay would make a Zombie Andre the Giant even more lethargic then before. He can’t even dog paddle anymore. I spent too many minutes pondering a scenario of the Zombie wrestlers walking into a church and a Pier Six Imports Brawl starting amongst them. At the end of the day I feel the Faces of Fear would clean house and be left standing amongst torn pews and torn limbs. With the Barbarian, you cannot kill what does not die. As for Haku..well…Haku doesn’t believe in God because it’s immodest to have so much self-confidence.

God: 2

Dead: 0

God has taken a commanding lead over the dead, will God triumph over evil? Does dead count as evil? Will this battle continue like Stephen King’s The Stand? Is it Sapphire’s hand that will come out from the sky at the end?  Does anybody get the references I’m making?

1990

The 1990 Royal Rumble is best known for the first time Hulk Hogan stood face to face with The Ultimate Warrior in a WWF ring. This was the prelude to Wrestlemania VI and the crown went bananas. I loved the Hogan/Warrior stuff as a kid watching it on a tape 5 years after the fact. In fact, it played into one of more cleverly stupid ideas in High School. My senior year of high school we were reading Oedipus Rex and one of our assignments was an option between a  long ass paper or making a video.  We chose video, and went over my pal’s house to film it. The scene we were assigned  involved a fight. Our intentions were to simply make the crappy scene before it, and then just have the fight scene be the last 5 minutes of Hogan/Warrior and then back to our video. It was going to be awesome. In related news, we spent all our time watching Van Damme movies and ended up writing

Ohhhh what a shot of alcohol when I enter the ring

shitty papers instead.

Dead: 8 (Randy Savage, Bad News Brown, Andre The Giant, Dino Bravo, Earthquake, Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect, Hercules)

God: 4 (Marty Jannetty, Ted Dibiase, Shawn Michaels, Terry Taylor)

Dead comes up in the clutch and pulls out a victory in this matchup. After watching this Rumble, it reminds me just how much I miss fat dudes like Earthquake. Fat Dudes in the rumble are always the best. The tall guys like Diesel and  Great Khali and Big Show are all well and good, but The Rumble is about Fat Dudes getting eliminated by tons of guys and shaking cameras as they fall to the ground.  It’s not about Giants, it’s about girth. This year we got dudes like Mark Henry and Brodus Clay potentially representing the Type One Warriors.

If I was drafting my Hall of Fame Royal Rumble Fat Guys, I think Mabel/Viscera/Big Daddy V gets the nod as the ultimate pick. The dude was in so many rumbles, and was so fat that I see no choice but to award him the Girth Brooks award for achievement in eating. Better luck next year Headhunters!

Dead wins this one to prevent the shut out.

God: 2

Dead: 1

1991

Oh the 1991 Royal Rumble, also known as the one where Greg Valentine and Rick Martel decided to stay in for the entire time. I want to know if that was a conscious decision by both superstars to attempt to dehydrate themselves or if Vince McMahon told them to stay that long. Also, does Vince pay by the minute in these things? If so then that’d explain why Rick Martel never shows up on Raw for quick paydays. The only other notable thing is the Bushwhacker Luke “record elimination” of 4 seconds. For years the announcers always declared it the quickest elimination in Rumble history until the WWE started proclaiming The Warlord. I guess that sort of begs the question, what did Warlord do to piss them off and get a record he technically never had?

Dead:8 (Dino Bravo, Kerry Von Erich, Hercules, British Bulldog, Road Warrior Hawk, Crush, Earthquake, Mr. Perfect)

God:3 (Greg Valentine, Road Warrior Animal, Road Warrior Hawk)

Dead is in the midst of a potential upset after going down early in the series. The loss of

I miss fat dudes.

The Rockers and Dibiase really hurt the God team, as they are the focal point of their prayer based offense. It’s completely disheartening that even with half of their 1990 team gone, that the Dead team can have such a stacked lineup. With the exception of Earthquake, this is the Magnificent Seven of Poor Decisions. Fuck.

Dead: 2

God: 2

1992

Well Folks, it all comes down to this in a head to head showdown to determine the ultimate winner in the battle of Dead vs. God. Can anybody think of a better proving ground than the 1992 Royal Rumble, widely proclaimed as the greatest of all time? It has all the elements of the previous rumbles. It’s got fat dudes, timed intervals, Haku, and Hulk Hogan cheating. I still don’t understand how people can boo John Cena, but nobody thought to question the moral integrity of Hulk Hogan. Enough pontificating, it’s time to find out who takes the prize.

Dead:5 (British Bulldog, Texas Tornado, Big Bossman, Hercules, Randy Savage)

God: 3 (Ted Dibiase, Shawn Michaels, Greg Valentine)

Should Probably Be Dead: 3 (Ric Flair, Iron Sheik, and Jake Roberts)

Dead wins in what has to be a miracle akin to the Olympic Games at Lake Placid. You know the ones where the giant crocodiles ate Mike Eruzione.

Dead: 3

God: 2

Dead Wins!

Try the game with your friends, and see how it goes.  Drinking numbs the pain about all your childhood heroes dying before they reach 50. Fuck Wrestling.

Ben Pasco is the editor and head honcho of the website. He once elbow dropped a snow bank while leaving a bar and then walked a mile home. He ranks this as a slightly better decision then starting his own wrestling blog.

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