You’re welcome. Why, you may ask? Because I’m positive that at least one person who reads this has not seen the 1995 Royal Rumble. I used to be one of those people. I used to be happy, jolly, carefree. I used to believe that the Royal Rumble could do no wrong. I could remember how happy I was when Bob Backlund showed up in his red gym shorts to Madison Sqaure Garden, ready to toss out whoever was in his path in the 2000 Royal Rumble. I could remember how I was going crazy when Santino Marella was so close to winning the 2011 Royal Rumble, that you could already picture the “96 Trombones” hype video for his main event match with The Miz at Wrestlemania 27. There used to be no bad Royal Rumble memories in my head. Now, I can only see Timothy Well…getting a pop. This is for the wrestling fan who hasn’t had their innocence raped by the images of Mantaur and Eli Blu in a Royal Rumble. Now you can know without watching. Now you can understand without that 40 minutes of torture. This is Deep Hurting: The 1995 Royal Rumble Edition.
1:00- HBK comes out at #1, and Vince immediately says he will not be the #1 contender at Wrestlemania. Well shit, Vince, why don’t you just skip to the last 2 minutes now?
2:00- Jerry Lawler comments about taking home Pamela Anderson tonight. There will probably be 53 more of these references throughout the duration of this match
2:00- #2 is The British Bulldog. Dead-1, God-1.
3:00- Shawn is bumping like mad, as #3 is…Eli Blu. Might as well have sent out no one, crowd reaction would’ve been the same
4:00- #4 is Duke Droese. Holy shit, this entire Rumble is going to be like this, isn’t it?
5:00- Eli Blu looks like a poor man’s Berserker…and #5 is Jimmy Del Ray! I can dig it.
5:30- Lawler likes Jimmy Del Ray, for some reason.
6:30- Michaels is still flopping around like a fish…and #6 is Sionne aka THE GOD DAMN BARBARIAN. New favorite.
7:00- Jimmy Del Ray is the first to be eliminated. Awww, why couldn’t have been retarded John Nord
7:20- #7 is Doctor Tom Pritchard. Wonder if HBK got pissy about Doc wearing the same sunglasses as him.
8:15- #8 is Doink w/ Dink! I’m just gonna imagine it’s Rob Conway under the hood, since who the fuck cares if it’s not Matt Borne.
9:10- #9 is Kwang, who is dressed like Lazertron Negro. Eli Blu and Duke Droese are still in this. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
10:10- #10 is Rick Martel, the first Ironman. By the way, we have 9 dudes in the ring which means we’re gonna get someone like…
11:20- #11 Owen Hart? Well, OK, I’d like to see what he can do with— It’s BRET HART! Beating the ever-loving crap out of Owen is the aisle way when…
12:20- #12 is Timothy Well who gets a POP!? I…I’m in the anti-Rumble. Fuck, he got a bigger pop than Bulldog, which is really sad.
12:30- Owen Hart gets eliminated off camera. You got to be shitting me. Well, thank goodness we caught perennial main-eventer Duke Droese’s elimination!
12:35- HOLY FUCK, Timothy Well just went for the Ric Flair flip over the top rope, and smacked his head on the canvas. Well, Timothy Well just joined the 10,000+ in the USF Dome who have amnesia, since you have to have forgotten everything you know about wrestling to give TIMOTHY WELL A POP.
12:45- Bye bye Timothy Well, and Rick Martel, and Tom Pritchard. Only other thing that matters, The Barbarian got an elimination!
13:15- As Kwang eliminates Doink with a superkick, #13 is Bushwhacker Luke. And a mass elimination occurs as Kwang, The Barbarian (nooooooo!) and Eli Blu (thank God) all kinda eliminate each other? It was a clusterfuck, much like this Rumble.
13:35- And Luke gets tossed pretty quickly. Well shit, I figured a monster would’ve eliminated all of those mid-carders.
14:15- #14 is…Jacob Blu. WHY ARE THE BLU BROTHERS IN THIS? Well, as soon as I say that, Shawn Michaels dumps a charging Jacob Blu. Dummy. By the way, we have one of what I assume will be many HBK/Bulldog elimination teases as…
15:15- #15 is Married with Children star KING KONG BUNDY!!! About time we got someone good.
15:40- And now, we finally get footage of Owen’s elimination at the hands of Bulldog. Also, KKB is heavy.
16:10- #16 is Mo, who runs right at Bundy and gets dumped over the top to the floor! That was actually pretty neat.
17:10- #17 is Mabel! If Mo wasn’t acting like an idiot, they could’ve double-teamed everyone else. By the way, Mabel vs. Bundy is way more compelling than it has any right to be. It’s the magic of the RR working on big men.
18:20- #18 is Buskwhacker Butch, who isn’t on camera but for a split second, because Mabel just eliminated KKB. God damnit, why are Eli Blu and Mabel going nuts while Mo and Jacob Blu are being tossed within seconds?
18:40- Oh yeah, and Bushwhacker Butch gets tossed in like 20 seconds. Least there’s some tag team consistency with those two.
19:10- Jerry Lawler has a new pick, and it’s Mabel. FUCK THAT, HERE COMES #19 LEX LUGER!
19:30- Luger is going nuts, as he just dumps Mabel like it was nothing. Big slam, and now we’re back to monotony.
20:20- #20 is Mantaur. Like I said, back to monotony.
20:50- Mantaur fact: His lack of cloved hooves makes him kosher.
21:10- #21 is Aldo Montoya, aka Ben Pasco’s favorite Olive Garden waiter.
21:50- Unbelievable action, Vince? I can’t believe you’re passing it off as action.
22:15- #22 is Henry Godwinn. Well shit, guess that string of who gives a fuck earlier meant nothing.
23:10- #23 is Billy Gunn, who is sprinting to the ring like he gives a fuck.
24:10- #24 is Bart Gunn, who goes right to work on Mantaur. Lawler plays up dissention between the Gunns, which is surprisingly the first reference to tag team dissention in a Rumble with the entire tag divisions of the WWF and SMW.
25:10- #25 is BOB BACKLUND. Thank god. OH FOR FUCK SAKES BRET, QUIT BEATING UP THE FEW PEOPLE IN THE RUMBLE THAT I CARE ABOUT.
26:10- #26 is Steven Dunn, although McMahon could only recognize Harvey Wippleman.
26:40- And bye-bye Backlund, courtesy of Luger. Fuck. Well, at least Hart and Backlund are going at it in the aisle.
27:10- I think McMahon just tried to pass off Bob Backlund as someone he’s shocked would act crazy. Even with Backlund’s gimmick, that statement is laughable.
27:20- #27 is “Deathbed” Dick Murdoch. Christ, there’s like 10 dudes in the ring. Mantaur is still in there because God hates me.
28:20- #28 is Adam Bomb. Tongue color-unknown. HBK and Bulldog are still in, along with Luger.
29:25- #29 is Fatu! He’s with Captain Lou, so it’s pre Make-A-Difference era.
29:50- Mantaur gets tossed, and 10,000 people have been spared from hell. Lex Luger is like some Royal Rumble Jesus, I guess?
30:20- #30 is…Crush! God damnit. Well, at least he tosses both the Gunns on his way in, as Aldo Montoya backdrops Steven Dunn over.
31:00- Double Feature, of the Rumble on the left and Pam Anderson on the right. The production team even knows this Rumble is garbage.
32:20- A) Henry Godwinn is still in. B) Where the hell is Phineas?
32:50- Dick Murdoch was about to dump Shawn Michaels. Now he’s squaring off with Fatu. AND IS DOING JYD HEADBUTTS TO FATU, WITH NO EFFECT! Dick Murdoch has now added Samoans to his KKK hit list.
34:00- Crush dumps Adam Bomb. McMahon says he’s was one of the favorites. WAT.
34:40- Montoya is gone, and LUGER thwarts Murdoch for a second time. Fuck Hogan, Luger will fight for your rights.
35:30: Murdoch gets Godwinn in an airplane spin, and Michaels runs into Godwinn’s feet ala Terry Funk w/ a ladder! Murdoch tries to dump Godwinn, but the hog farmer grabs the ropes and hangs on while Murdoch is low bridged to the floor! Murdoch might be the MVP so far, since he’s probably 4 months from croaking and putting on a better show than 90% of the participants. RIP Captain Redneck.
36:15- By the way, we have Henry Godwinn, Crush, Lex Luger, British Bulldog and HBK left. I’d say it couldn’t get any worse, but this is the same Rumble that had Eli Blu in it for a fucking fortnight, relatively speaking.
36:50- Luger dumps Godwinn, who had a pretty good showing. I might go find some Shanghai Pierce after this abortion of a Rumble.
38:00- Luger goes to the middle rope for punches on Crush, which Jerry Lawler calls perfectly as stupid. 5 seconds later, HBK dumps Luger. Idiot.
39:00- Crush and HBK teaming up on Bulldog. Crush turns on his fellow deadman! But no, Crush lifts HBK up high!
39:20: HBK weasels out, but Bulldog gives Crush a clothesline over the top. We’re down to two!
39:45- HBK and Bulldog, 1 and 2, are the final two. McMahon remarks “What a story!” Well, compared to Bret beating up Backlund and Owen, they don’t have much competition in the story department.
40:15- Bulldog is still tossing HBK around like he’s nothing.
40:35- Bulldog clotheslines HBK over, and wins the Rum—wait a minute. You know this tale. Bulldog’s music hits and Davey Boy Smith is headed to…a one-way trip over the top turnbuckle to the floor by Michaels!
41:10- Lawler claims that HBK never was eliminated, and we get the iconic announcement by Howard Finkel, where he specifies that only ONE of HBK’s feet hit the floor.
41:40- HBK has won, and we go to the replay, where I have to commend HBK for getting at close as humanly possible to being eliminated without…being eliminated.
42:30- HBK poses with his Wrestlemania valet, Pam Anderson, in the ring, who scurries out after her mandated 10 seconds in the ring.
God, this was a pain. I’d like to see a Rumble with 60-second intervals that didn’t have the garbage participants that this one had, but this might sully that opportunity by possibly being the worst Rumble of all time. Proof that a great finish can’t save 35 minutes of mediocrity.
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